I had a lovely weekend, full of births. Lovely for my clients and me, but it's important to remember that when a doula tends to her work, there is often a family missing her. My husband Mitchell works hard all week, so in the evenings and on weekends when I am at births, instead of getting to relax and doing things as a family of 6, he's holding down the fort. Usually on weekends we share the chores of catching up on housework, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, etc. So when I'm away at births, he takes on most of that, as well as tending to the emotional needs of kids who may have feelings about Mom being away. He's the one who brings them to all their activities. This may make you other doulas jealous, but he often even gets up with me in he middle of the night and drives me to where the birth is. Yes, he gets tired sometimes being a doula's partner, as many do. So it still amazes me after all these years that his support for my work continues to grow stronger. Not that he doesn't sigh in disappointment sometimes when he realizes a plan he had to play some cards with his friends again gets waylaid by my unpredictable work...but he understands that it is somehow an important thing I have to do. He supports that it is my path, that it's simply what I DO. What warms my heart is that he speaks of me with pride. You can see why I stick with him.
I was so happy Saturday night when we attended Carl Bigheart's talk here in Montreal! A woman I know, a friend of a friend whose birth we had the opportunity to support together, who had never met my husband before said, "It is so great to meet you! So you are the person who makes Lesley's work possible! Thank you so much for all you do!" I was very moved by that, and I encourage all of you who know doula's partners to make sure they feel special once in awhile. It is a big job to be the partner of a birth attendant of any kind, and truly, the quality of our work is commensurate to the amount of support we have. I have 4 children, a home, and a dog, and I can leave at any time for a birth, be gone for 2 days, and not have to worry about a thing. How many can claim to do that? I have 2 marvellous teenage kids who help out too, minding the younger ones when my husband and I go out together on occasion, even if it's just a 10 minute drive to Tim Horton's for a coffee.
In order to rebalance my family life after births, I try to make sure my kids have some special attention. I had no qualms today, when we got up and I saw the younger ones looking a little deflated at starting the week without their "mom" quotient, telling them we would all just stay home together. I don't worry about things like them missing a day of school now and again for their emotional health, or occasionally cancelling my day of appointments if they're not pressing. I also keep strict boundaries around my pre/post natal work. Even though it may not be very convenient for my clients, I simply don't meet with them outside of the hours my kids are at school unless it's really urgent. No evenings, no weekends, unless they are in labour. In the end, it makes me a more present doula, as I'm not stretched so thinly and chock full of maternal guilt. It's hard enough for the poor kids to wake up in the morning on occasion and I'm not there where they expect me.
This infrastructure of support has not been easy to come by. A new doula will usually not have the luxury of setting her own pre/post natal hours as she tries to become established in her community, or have a strong sisterhood of other birth attendants to connect with when they need help and advice. Many don't have teenage kids to help with the younger kids when their partners need to go somewhere while Mom is at a birth. And understandably, many partners are just downright resentful of how demanding their lady's doula work is of their own time. Lots of doula careers burn and fizzle because the family simply doesn't have the resources to handle it. I have worked long and hard in order to have a secure system within which to be able to attend as many births as I do (67 babies in 2009, and 7 so far for 2010). I am so thankful for the opportunity to witness so many babies enter this world within the loving environment I try to create out of a cold one, and it simply would not be possible without the support of my family. If I attend a birth that challenges everything I have physically, emotionally, and spiritually, while talking to my sister doulas is essential to regrouping, it is really my husband who tends to my sometimes broken heart. My husband is the best doula in the world.
All right! Enough gabbing. Off to fold a week's worth of laundry while I watch Nightmare Before Christmas with my kids.
Hi
ReplyDeleteI was fascinated to read this and wanted to ask, how can you attend so many births (67 in 2009? and 7 in the past 25 days!) - have you got a back up system, do you work in a team? I have been a doula for 7 years and I don't take this many clients because if I did I would certainly miss some births and if they have asked me to be there I can't just not be... so I am wondering how to work differently to avoid turning some couples away.
I do agree about partners being on board - mine is completely - in fact he is a stay at home dad and this is very handy for this work.
Thanks
To be fair, some of those were twin births, but still, it's a lot of births. I am asked to do way more births than that, and have turned away some years more clients than I actually took. I have created a MotherWit collective, which means I have a network of women I trust...we serve as each others' backup, and no client needs to be turned away. If a backup situation occurs, our clients have met everyone on our monthly community meeting nights. so they will be with someone who knows their information, understands their needs, and is sensitive. And even so, doulas are master rapport builders.,,I'm sure in 7 years you've backed up someone and had to doula someone you meet right when they're in active labour. It works out. We can never let our clients think that it is only we ourselves who can do a good job for them if they end up birthing without us. They need empowerment, not attachment.
ReplyDeleteWorking with students as apprentices is helpful too, because if I need someone to labour sit with a lady in early labour at home before heading to the hospital, they will do that while I dash off to a quick birth and return right after. These students have followed these clients with me, so they are familiar, trusted women. You get creative :) Plus, you have to have spectacular endurance.
To be honest, it is really dumb to do that many births :) It is too many. But I trust that things usually work out. I only missed 2 births last year because of overlap, and luckily, they were situations where the people ended being very low maintenance. I have learned that the overlap is really not that common. When I was taking only 2 clients a month, I was terrified of overlap. When it was 4, again, terrified. Then I started to see that my fears were not that founded, because I was making all my births but one or two a year. I've had months I've ended up with 10 births, and made them all. If I'm meant to be the doula for that woman, it will happen. Because my practice has been going on for 16 years, you can imagine there are a LOT of repeat clients. I just can't turn them away.
This year I will try to do no more than 50 births. I started my collective in order to be able to relax a little. When I reach 20 years of experience in about 3 and a half years, I think I will turn my focus on to doing a lot more teaching, writing, and consultation. By then I feel like I will have seen just about everything and have paid my dues.
This is very interesting, I am just curious as to how many doulas are in that community... Here - all of us - including very experienced doulas and trainers do no more than 18 births per year and most stick to 10, we do have back ups but they are minimal. I don't think we see it as an attachment issue but more of a commitment made to a family who rely on a specific support.... it may just be cultural.
ReplyDeleteYears ago my doula missed my birth, I told her it was fine as it was a very easy birth but I also couldn't tell her.... if I called you it's because I wanted you here.... even if I had a "perfect" birth - the fact that I made that call signified something :-(
I'm so sorry your doula missed your birth. It can be very sad when this happens. Absolutely, you hire and call someone because that relationship is special to you, and even if things go great, there can be some grief about not having the support you thought you were going to have. How many births a year did your doula do? Probably not over 60, but sadly, she STILL missed your birth. It can, unfortunately, happen no matter how many births you attend. My midwife didn't make it for my third birth, and was about to be off call just a few hours before I actually give birth. It just happens like that.
ReplyDeleteAs I say, I miss very few births. If I attend an average of 60 births per year, and miss on average 2 due to overlap (and funny enough, the average has been 2 whether I've only had 20,40, or 50 in a year), then the odds are still spectacularly good that I can make a commitment and be there when I say I will. You can do the math in terms of percentages. As well, the doulas in my group are not just back-ups, they're part of a community we provide for parents and parents-to-be, teaching prenatal education classes, holding monthly gatherings, etc. Apprentices are also fabulous to have. Even is someone only attends 10 births a year, there's no guarantee there won't be overlap, or that you can't go because you or your kid is sick, your car breaks down, the baby comes too fast, etc. You can go to 1 birth per year, and your commitment is ALWAYS conditional. One of the best ways I find to schedule clients, is to take several all due on or near the same day. The chance of them all giving birth at the same time is almost nil.
I don't know if culture has to do with how many births you go to...if you're referring to a culture who keeps commitments, well, that's a strong ethic in mine as well. And because I have years of experience doing many births per year, I can attest to the fact that this works out. I have help from apprentices sometimes, because I think solo doula-ing without a strong community of doula support is really burn out causing.
When clients hire me, they know how many births I attend a year. They know the possibility of overlap, and they also make the commitment to attend the meetings and meet my colleagues, just as their clients come to meet me. I may miss 2 births a year, but I also back up a couple too. And to be honest, they choose to hire me because of the depth and breadth of experience I have accumulated over the years of attending many births. Ask me what I HAVEN'T seen and helped support. These people always have the right and my full blessing to go to a doula who attends far fewer births, but my clients tend to gravitate towards the experience with experienced back up, as opposed to someone with far less experience but can provide slightly more reassurance of attending....because they have less births.
Wow, one would have to be a doula for an awful lot of years to get a couple hundred births under her belt! So if someone's been to 50 births or so, do they start teaching?! How on earth do y'all support yourselves? I love doula work, believe its' a calling to serve...and it's also my livelihood. I couldnt' help support my family of six with 18 births a year, though. And I live modestly. Do you guys all have other jobs? Now I'm curious! Maybe I should take less people on and charge more!
As for how many doulas there are where I live, I'm not sure. I'm a minority where I live because I speak English, so I serve a small community. but there are quite a few working doulas out there in the English community.
Thanks for your comments! I think it's great when we as doulas can share information. The 'web is a great thing when used wisely, isn't it?
Thank you for sharing how you work - I'm a birth doula and have wanted to be able to do more than 1 a month - it is great to see how you have set up such a strong system.
ReplyDeleteYou can do it! You need a partner, group, or back-up you really trust, though. Doula work is not best as a solo career. I don't know what I would do without my best doula bud, whom I can call ANYTIME, and cry, vent anger, ask for fresh advice, have send prayers, etc. Doulas nourish and ground each other so we can go off and do the often physically/emotionally demanding work we do. Dare to try 2 births in a month and see what happens. The very best of luck to you and to your clients, who obviously have an extremely dedicated, lovely woman supporting them.
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