tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-56869978675722235042024-03-05T08:07:29.668-05:00musings of a montreal doulaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059951273542374898noreply@blogger.comBlogger201125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686997867572223504.post-91057827257717744372016-05-09T13:43:00.000-04:002016-05-09T14:09:40.238-04:00A Doula's Love Letter to Nurses<br />
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Having worked with obstetric, postpartum, and NICU nurses over the last couple of decades, I can honestly say that aside from the birthing/new mothers, nurses are the hardest working folks in the hospital. I have developed amazing relationships with many of my local nurses over the years. Honestly, having seen many a nurse catch a quick baby with skill and compassion when a doctor didn't get there in time, I know the whole system would fall apart without the skill and compassion of nurses.<br />
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These are my top reasons for wanting to shout out my love and appreciation to nurses this National Nursing Week. <br />
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1) <b>Nurses tend to REALLY understand birth</b><br />
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Because OB nurses spend far more time with a woman in labour than other medical folks, they usually have pretty developed Spidey senses when it comes to birth, While a new medical resident may be apt to say things like, "You were 4 cm dilated only twenty minutes ago, so according to the progress of labour charts, it's not possible you want to push now," a nurse will rush around preparing the room for delivery, knowing that the sounds the mother is making means Baby isn't waiting for any chart. <br />
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I have seen doctors walk into the birthing room brusquely to ask questions of the birthing mother, and witnessed the nurse put up her hand and say, "Wait, she's having a contraction...let it end first before talking to her." They get it.<br />
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<b>2) Nurses set the tone</b><br />
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Nurses have immense power in the birthing/postpartum/NICU room. When oxytocin flows in a relaxed way, birth and motherhood often unfold more smoothly. When a nurse has respect for the birth/early parenting process and the family, no matter how the situation unfolds from a medical perspective, women often remember the FEELING of being tended to by a caring nurse. They carry that feeling in their hearts forever. Even if the doctor on call that day is busy and doesn't take the time to connect while they do their medical tasks, the parents don't take it personally as long as the nurse meets the basic love and connection needs of the oxytocin besotted family. Nurses have the opportunity to serve as the crucial emotional anchor,<br />
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Years after birth, reflecting upon their hospital experiences, my clients will go all melty and gooey when they speak of the nurse who was a kind presence in the room. They will call her by name and use adjectives like "angelic" and "saintly" when describing her. If nurses could only fathom the amount of love their happy patients carry for them, based on the few hours they spent together during the peak transformational experience that is the creation of a family, they would glow brightly with that beautiful sense of meaningful service. <br />
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<b>3) Nurses are some of the hardest workers in town</b><br />
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Where I live, we generally do not have one on one nursing care when a woman is in labour or with her new baby. A nurse may have two or three patients with intense needs at the same time. When things get really busy in their department, you will literally see nurses jogging from room to room. <br />
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I'm always quite amazed to see the nurses, some of them far older than I am, break apart the delivery bed and set things up with remarkable strength and speed. As a doula, I know that supporting women in birth is a very physical job, and nurses do this ALL the time. <br />
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A nurse, in the midst of dramatic birthing or new parent/ baby moments, manages all her clinical tasks at the same time as listening to and supporting her frightened patient. This is no easy feat. To have head and heart engaged at the same time in the unique way nurses do, takes a level of skill I bow to.<br />
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I have also seen many nurses stay at a birth or with a tiny new patient an hour beyond their shift, because they knew their patient or little patient's parents were attached to them. They committed to seeing them through until things settled. In the throes of labour or worry, many parents don't notice their nurse is there after her shift has officially ended. But I notice. <br />
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<b>4) MacGyver has nothing on nurses</b><br />
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If you want to be really impressed at the comfort measures that can be whipped out of thin air for in a pinch, come see a nurse in action. I learn really cool tips from nurses constantly, like how to make a super efficient heating pad out of a wet towel and a placenta bag, or an ice pack out of an examination glove, or a peanut ball out of a stirrup and a pillow. The fact that as a doula I carry very little with me in my bag besides mouthwash and a change of clothes is because nurses have taught me the art of comfort measure innovation.<br />
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Where I live, supplies can often be low. I have seen Baby's first diaper be made out of a Chux pad and medical tape by a savvy and apologetic nurse. I have even seen nurses think to place a blanket near a sunny window (if the blanket warmer is busted) so it will be toasty and cozy for Mom and Baby after birth. <br />
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<b>5) Nurses are Grace under fire</b><br />
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When a hospital staff runs smoothly as a team and everyone gets along, this is obviously the ideal situation for everyone. But I have witnessed shabby treatment of nurses sometimes by other staff members, or by those who manage them. And, let's face it, not all patients are easy going and appreciative. Or, a nurse at any given moment may be reeling from a recent tragedy. As professionals, most nurses don't let on to their patients that they've experienced something crappy. They dive into their work, and hopefully process it all later. I have sometimes walked out of a birthing room to get a coffee and beheld a nurse having a private teary moment in a stairwell. <br />
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Nursing can be a high stress, high drama job at times. It can be common for people to lose their tempers when challenged. In my experience, it is usually the nurses who do the best job of keeping their cool. They usually manage to continue their compassionate care of their patient no matter who is acting out that day. <br />
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The moments that have touched me most as a doula in regards to nurses are when their Grace comes through in the most human of ways. When a birth is clearly traumatic to a mother, or if a mother has experienced less than glorious treatment by other staff members, or if there is a tragedy, I have sometimes witnessed nurses enfold their patients in their loving arms and share tears of sorrow with them, honouring their patients with their silent acknowledgement of sad truths. <br />
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To all the nurses who work with birthing and new families, I bow to you in honour for what you do. I see you as you go about your jobs, and you have my respect and regard. May all of you be plied with wine, chocolate, massages, and love this week. I am grateful for you. I celebrate you. We at MotherWit Doula Care say THANK YOU!<br />
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Love,<br />
Lesley<br />
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<b><br /></b>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059951273542374898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686997867572223504.post-5567441213793187192016-05-06T22:42:00.003-04:002016-05-06T22:49:47.865-04:00 5 Ways a Doula Can Help When It's More than the "Baby Blues"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Are you Pregnant? Have you given birth within the last few months? I want to ask you a question many people, your doctor included, may not think to ask: how are you REALLY doing?<br />
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Recently I spoke to a lovely pregnant mama in a doctor's waiting room. As a doula for 22 years, my Spidey senses told me something was up. I initiated some general conversation, and after a while asked her mom-to-mom about how she was feeling . A shadow fell across her face. "Well, you know, okay I guess."<br />
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"Yeah?" I responded, and waited. And breathed. In a small voi<br />
ce she said, "Not so good. Everyone keeps telling me it's just hormones, but it's not passing. I'm unhappy. If it's like this now, I'm afraid of what will happen when the baby comes. Can you get postpartum depression BEFORE the baby is born?"<br />
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The woman agreed to my gentle encouragement to speak to her care provider about getting a referral to a mental health professional, just for a check in. If we have blood pressure or blood sugar issues in pregnancy, we get checked out. Mental health care should be as easy and accessible to perinatal women as a childbirth ed class. It sadly isn't, but that's another blog.<br />
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In honour of Mental Health Week here in Canada, I want to shed light upon the fact that up to 20% of women experience anxiety and/or other mood disorders like depression in the time surrounding the birth of a baby, making mental health challenges among the most common complications of childbirth. It can happen postpartum AND in pregnancy.<br />
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When a woman experiences feelings of sadness, overwhelm, panic, intrusive thoughts, obsessive-compulsive issues, and/or anger (among others), she may be reluctant to share what's going on for her. She can be afraid people will think she's about to harm her baby or herself, and take the baby away from her. She often thinks her feelings are a character flaw, and that if she were a "better" person, she could pull it all together and be a "good", happy mom.<br />
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While in some cases thoughts of self-harm/harm to the baby turn into reality, the vast majority of women will not experience this extreme. But left untreated, mental health crises can and most certainly do arise, which make life feel unmanageable. While maternal death is very rare in developed nations, suicide remains among its leading causes. Any time someone feels at risk of harming themselves or their baby, this is an EMERGENCY, and must be treated as such.<br />
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Many women feel shame for being overwhelmed or apathetic when their pregnancies/babies are healthy. There is a stigma around mental illness in general which deepens when it comes to motherhood. If there appears to be nothing to complain about, many women feel guilty about expressing their pain.<br />
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But there is good news. To quote Postpartum Support International, "You are not alone. You are not to blame. With help, you will be well." www.postpartum.net<br />
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A doula, being a trained, experienced birth/parenting support professional, spends ample time with her client, and can often recognize some of the signs that something is amiss. She can ensure the mother gets the help she needs as soon as possible. Because the sooner the mother feels better, the more space she has to enjoy her pregnancy and her baby, which is healthier for the family long term. We want to ensure a mental health professional can intervene before a downward spiral potentially happens. Even though wait times to see one can be inappropriately long, feeling like something is done can be a relieving first step.<br />
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These are five ways doulas can help when it's beyond "the blues":<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">1) Doulas Listen</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>As a doula, I get to know the people in my care. I listen deeply not just for the words said, but for the feelings behind the words. I'm not afraid to ask, "Hey, how are you really feeling today?" and am comfortable not glossing the spaces over with chatter.<br />
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If the mother is receiving messages from her friends and family that her feelings will pass, that it's "just pregnancy hormones" or "just the baby blues" even though her anxious/depressed feelings are persistent, we may be the only ones to speak up and say, "maybe this requires further investigation. Why don't we call your midwife and you can tell her what you've been sharing with me?" Or, "I have the number of an amazing psychologist who specializes in perinatal mental health. Why don't we call her right now for an appointment?"<br />
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A diagnosis made by a qualified mental health professional is important to get the ball rolling in the exploration of treatment.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">2) Doulas Provide Resources</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>Professional doulas tend to be very community minded folks, and are well connected to the available maternity support resources. A doula can share information about the importance of the woman contacting her care provider, and then help her follow up on the doctor's referrals to the appropriate mental health professionals. A doula herself will often have a list of psychiatrists or psychologists who specialize in perinatal anxiety and mood disorders, and can share these resources with her client.<br />
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A doula will also have resources for extra support while the mother is waiting to see her mental health professional, or is in treatment. The mom may be interested in seeing a massage therapist, nutritionist, or joining a support group for other moms going through similar things.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">3) Doulas Provide Respite</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>Many doulas are trained/experienced in providing respite for struggling families, throughout the day or the night. Feelings of isolation and inadequacy can make mental health struggles worse, especially when they're compounded by the exhaustion of the postpartum period.<br />
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A postpartum doula can help mothers feel like they have a handle on things while she supports feeds, keeps the mom company, and tucks her into bed where she can rest secure knowing the doula is keeping Baby happy. Or, perhaps Mom might need time with her baby and a little tidying or meal preparation done while she relaxes and bonds.<br />
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A doula always seeks to support bonding and to foster a sense of confidence and mastery in new parenthood. Occasional respite care can make all the difference when the mother is getting treatment or waiting to.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>4) Doulas are on the Family's Side</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span>Unsolicited advice is the bane of the pregnant/new parent's existence. Everyone wants to tell them where it's at. Your baby should sleep through the night at birth, you should be planning an all natural delivery, you should have an epidural, you should start your baby on a bottle right away, you should breastfeed exclusively. Parents can feel like they'll never do anything right, which can weigh heavily on a person experiencing mental health challenges.<br />
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Doulas are there to provide parents support for their choices. Period. A family's life isn't played to the tune of any personal doula agenda. Doulas most certainly provide parents with evidence based information, giving them more tools with which to make informed choices, however, they know that things must work for the ultimate health and well-being of the family. When parents have explored their options and made a decision that contributes to the family's happiness (which generally contributes to Baby's well-being too), the doula will support them.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">5) Doulas Honour Mothers</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>In our fast paced Western culture, we are often so busy trying to do everything "right" by finding the best information, we often forget to slow down and pat ourselves on the back for growing/birthing/parenting a new little citizen as best we can. We are all already whole. It's just that when things feel overwhelming, we forget. Your doula will not forget.<br />
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As a doula, one of the things I try to do for people is uplift them with the honour I have for them. Sometimes I will look at a mama with a new baby, tears of overwhelm streaming down her face, and I will hold her gaze for a while, seeing her in her wholeness (even when she can't see it herself). I see her tender vulnerability as well as her wild mama strength . "I see you," I'll say. And I will smile at her with my whole heart to show her that I uphold her as worthy an beautiful, letting her know that I believe in her. Reflecting someone's wholeness back to them helps them to remember who they really are.<br />
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You are not alone. This is not your fault. With help, you will be well.<br />
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With love,<br />
Lesley<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059951273542374898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686997867572223504.post-3218554726457540842016-04-28T16:08:00.000-04:002016-04-28T16:08:36.027-04:00Just had a Baby? Feeling Overwhelmed? A Postpartum Doula Can Help.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It is 4 am. <span style="font-size: large;"><b>You have given birth recently</b></span>, and are still in the process of recovering from that major event. Feeding your baby isn't easy. You aren't sure if you're doing things right. Your baby just doesn't seem to be like the books say. There is conflicting advice everywhere you turn. Getting enough to eat is challenging enough, never mind getting the endless laundry done. <br />
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You're leaky, you're emotions are all over the place, and <b><span style="font-size: large;">you're feeling just a bit overwhelmed.</span></b><br />
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There is help available! Have you ever heard of a "postpartum doula"? Don't worry, most people haven't! Many people associate the word "postpartum" with "depression", but it actually simply refers to the period of a few weeks after the birth of your baby. And "doula"? What the heck is that? In a nutshell, postpartum doulas are women who, after your baby is born, come to your house and take care of you so you can relax and bond with your little one. <br />
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Tired? Kick back! Doulas will hang out with your baby so you can get some sleep. When you wake up, your dishes, or some other household task that is driving you nuts will be done. Hungry? They've got it! Doulas can bring you yummy meals or prepare snacks for you. Feeling disorganized? No worries! They can set up systems to ensure things flow more smoothly for you. Do you have older kids? Doulas love kids! Doulas can entertain them if you need time with Baby. Feeding challenges? They can help, and provide resources if necessary. Overwhelmed or have feelings about your birth? It is normal! Doulas can listen. REALLY well, and without judgement, acknowledging and supporting your feelings. Aches and pains? They have suggestions to promote healing, and can provide some holistic support and nurturing touch, honouring the beautiful job the exhausted new mama is doing. <br />
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Partners also benefit from the support of a postpartum doula. They are often expected to pick up all the daily slack while the new mother is busy with baby care and healing from birth. The care of a doula can also bring them relief, reducing stress and allowing them to take more time to rest and bond with their baby.<br />
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Do postpartum doulas ever do overnight work? You bet they do! The first few overnights at home with your new baby can be daunting, and doulas support your nighttime parenting needs until you feel confident.<br />
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Your baby was born months ago, but you feel like you never got settled. Can a postpartum doula help? Of course! Our services are not limited to newborns. <br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-size: large;">"Postpartum doulas are like your mom but without the baggage!" -MotherWit Postpartum Doula Millie Tresierra</span></b><br />
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Postpartum doulas don't breeze in spouting "expertise", adding more information to your already overloaded brain, though they do know when to call the experts in. Doulas make you some tea and ask you what you need in terms of information, comfort measures, and emotional support. They trust, even if you're not feeling sure yourself, that you know what is best for you and your baby, supporting you to make empowered mothering choices. <br />
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<b>The sight of your postpartum doula coming through the door bearing snacks, encouraging words, and a strong shoulder to lean on is a sigh of relief in your busy day.</b><br />
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Postpartum doulas are experienced in meeting the support needs of new families with knowledge, wisdom, and kindness. <br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Overwhelmed? We've got you.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>
Love,<br />
Lesley Everest<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>
<b><a href="http://motherwit.ca/Postpartum-Doula-Services.htm">www.MotherWit.ca</a></b><br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059951273542374898noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686997867572223504.post-86920501713141084762016-02-14T22:17:00.000-05:002016-02-14T22:17:03.490-05:00MotherWit Loves Matraea!<br />
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As the owner of a couple of doula agencies and a doula trainer who teaches around Canada, I often get approached by lovely folks who are interested in introducing their products to me, asking if I can give them a shout out.<br />
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I could not resist when when I was contacted by a small, Vancouver Island product company named Matraea. Co-founded by midwives Kate and Selina, they identified a lack of access to safe, effective, natural products to support pregnancy,birth, breastfeeding, and babies in their community. Like the go getters they are, they took it upon themselves to remedy the problem.<br />
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These are women after my own heart...deeply experienced, fiercely committed to excellent care of the hundreds of families they've served over two decades, and hubs of their community. I readily agreed to test out some of the products Matraea sent over here to the MotherWit HQ here in Montreal.<br />
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When the package came in the mail all the way from BC, I was impressed just by the look of the products. They are beautifully packaged, something anyone would be proud to offer a loved one as a gift, or use themselves. I felt great being able to provide something so pretty to my clients.<br />
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Let's start with Blooming Baby Belly Tea. Full of deeply nourishing herbs like raspberry leaf, nettle, and hibiscus packed in a cute little tin, I thought this would be a perfect treat for my Birth Essentials Prenatal Class. I made a pot and had it steeping before my class arrived. When they came into the room, I got a few comments on how nice the tea smelled.<br />
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My class members all tried the tea. The dads, too. Quickly, the pot was finished. So I made another. By the end of our time together that day, three pots of Blooming Baby Belly Tea had been drunk, clearly having been enjoyed thoroughly. <br />
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I often talk about the deep, nutritive benefits of the herbs in this tea. The issue is that many pregnant folks don't like the taste, Combined with tasty ingredients like cinnamon and hibiscus, however, Blooming Baby Belly Tea makes getting the proven benefits of the herbs easy and enjoyable. This doula loved it too!<br />
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I also received Matraea's Calming Spritzer and Refreshing Spritzer. I popped them into my birth bag and used them with one of my labouring clients whom I knew enjoyed aromatherapy. As a doula, I use essential oils a lot for balancing out the environment to support the birth. Having some of my favourite oils premixed in such a pleasing way was handy.<br />
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I liked the texture of these sprays a lot. Many times just water and oils don't mist well, but these sprays misted really nicely and dispersed well, having a soft quality. And oh, the scents! Heavenly!<br />
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The refreshing spritzer was perfect after a long night of labour. I sprayed it in the room to greet the sunrise, and the birth attendants perked up. It smelled like Christmas morning, soft and uplifting, absolutely right for a birthing. The labouring mother mentioned that it make her upset tummy feel better, too.<br />
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During a couple of anxious moments, I kept the Calming Spritzer going. It was actually a hospital staff member who commented on how good the room "felt". Scent is a powerful thing. I have often found mixes containing ylang ylang essential oil can be very strong, but this was balanced out perfectly so that it was gentle and soothing.<br />
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What I appreciated most about Matraea products? You can feel the love and care tucked into them. They are crafted to nourish families and to make them happy. I can get behind that. <br />
<br />
MotherWit loves Matraea! <br />
<br />
http://www.matraea.com/<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
Lesley<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059951273542374898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686997867572223504.post-29636779164192231052016-02-11T11:27:00.000-05:002016-02-11T11:27:26.673-05:00One Hundred Thousand Contractions and Counting<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtDYzA4iZ_rukBtMdMZUwhWReIEbk43Y2iXQkVDFDe4MZOrojjFmLgqognv5nrvlusBUTzoIa3gMk4FjKj8SRutJ0ScQiuEvV9j_9RjX1OkUF6fAEpzQEO4zO46Ocou_vnyAhlLiWD_0q4/s1600/100%252C000+Contractions.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtDYzA4iZ_rukBtMdMZUwhWReIEbk43Y2iXQkVDFDe4MZOrojjFmLgqognv5nrvlusBUTzoIa3gMk4FjKj8SRutJ0ScQiuEvV9j_9RjX1OkUF6fAEpzQEO4zO46Ocou_vnyAhlLiWD_0q4/s400/100%252C000+Contractions.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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Sitting in the still, quiet spaces between contractions one night while attending a birth, I did a rough calculation of how many labour contractions I have witnessed in my career as a doula. A modest estimate is well over 100,000.<br />
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Some people prefer to use different words for this wave of powerful energy through the pregnant body. I have heard "surges", "rushes", and "expansions". Personally, I enjoy "contraction". The uterus squeezes hard for its door, the cervix, to open. The baby is strongly embraced and moved downwards by its power. Instead of the more masculine "hero's journey" of forging outwards to find our holy grail, birth givers are drawn progressively more inwards with their strengthening contractions, guided instinctively towards their deepest coping resources. <br />
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For me, "contraction" is a good word. As a seed is nestled in the sheltering Earth and a loved one is squeezed tightly in a welcoming hug, a contraction is an embrace leading to powerful opening. <br />
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Contractions are the steps on the journey towards delivering a baby. Everyone has had them at some point in pregnancy, felt or not, so those who have planned Caesarean births have participated with them too. Each contraction is its own unique entity, though they flow in sequence towards their inexorable conclusion. I liken them to a stone pathway, Each individual stone has its own shape, texture, and story although they are similar in nature and arranged in patterns ranging from the measured to the haphazard.<br />
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I have been listening to the stories taking shape within and between contractions for many years. They are rich and varied. Though the imprints of some last longer than others in any given labour, they always pass, being finite in number. Every single contraction wave which emerges from the oceanic tide of labour concludes on its shore, closing the gap between the states of "pregnant" and "postpartum". <br />
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Some contractions speak of a change in the nature of labour, keening at the peak, gutteral at the end, heralding a firm descent of Baby into Birth Canal. Others are a whisper, speaking of a dance of the greatest concentration. Some suddenly reveal to the naked light a memory of childhood not previously known. Some trigger the grief of loss. There are the occasional ones which can generate actual orgasms, much to everyone's delight. There are yet others which create a temporary desire for oblivion.<br />
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I have known contractions to heal patterns of self-limiting belief, changing the birth giver indelibly. I have witnessed others create beliefs of failure and regret. Some contractions imprint the story of trauma, others the ecstasy of triumph. The very last contraction is often accompanied by a shout of such intense ferocity that any self-respecting predator within miles would think several times before sniffing around the birthing space. <br />
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Every contraction lends its imprint to the totality of a birth experience. I meet every one of the stories with welcome, honouring their place in a developing labour, supporting the birth givers on their terms in this crazy dance of bringing forth a being of flesh from their own depths. <br />
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If the power of birth were to be seen as pure, white light and the birth giver/baby unit as a prism, each experience, while still light, is absolutely unique in its appearance. Birth's expression through each prism creates a magnificent kaleidoscope of perceptions, sensations and feelings, no one birth the same as another. Some birth stories are joyful. Others are not. They are each a sacred unfolding of a new person Earthside, therefore inherently precious, and inherently worthy.<br />
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I am a doula, free from the tasks of being clinically vigilant and medically responsible at births. Simply witnessing one hundred thousand contractions has taught me more about the nature of birth than almost any other resource I've drawn upon for learning. I am grateful for the teaching of each and every one of them.<br />
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I am a doula. Imprinted by 100,000 contractions, I am rich in story.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
Lesley<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059951273542374898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686997867572223504.post-51221283937228008032016-02-03T12:33:00.001-05:002016-02-03T12:33:39.826-05:00I Can't Stand Being Pregnant...and that's ok.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghtcue6s4-2Azp1FgMzNJ7WfLmcTzD8gjmFc3vRQlbdaQlEwZxz_BQoTH9vP75A98LHy-ZMiUOW0uhik8NruQI7g735dgvRDI2qRvZ73wWvxO9rvin1aQnECWQR393eQC0PmJdQBXIuS4S/s1600/I+Can%2527t+Stand+Being+Pregnant%2521.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghtcue6s4-2Azp1FgMzNJ7WfLmcTzD8gjmFc3vRQlbdaQlEwZxz_BQoTH9vP75A98LHy-ZMiUOW0uhik8NruQI7g735dgvRDI2qRvZ73wWvxO9rvin1aQnECWQR393eQC0PmJdQBXIuS4S/s400/I+Can%2527t+Stand+Being+Pregnant%2521.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The message many women receive upon sharing the news of their pregnancies can sound a little like, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 24px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">"Congratulations! You are now a sacred vessel of life"</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, as if a pregnancy somehow legitimizes their existence.</span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-b71f4fef-a817-9b93-8027-5416fd8b50cf" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I believe the intention behind the "sacred vessel" type comment is well meaning, but the message can exert pressure upon women to match this "beatific" state with beatific responses towards the hurdles on the journey.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Many women enjoy their pregnancies, feeling beautiful and powerful. Sure, most experience some of the uncomfortable effects, but are ultimately happy. Others for one reason or another simply</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 24px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> can't stand being pregnant</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And that is OK! </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have been in the birth support business for a long time. I have had many mothers-to-be, truly suffering with their pregnancies (physically and/or emotionally), cry on my shoulder about comments they've received like, "Others have been trying to get pregnant for years and can't. You should be happy," or "Your negative feelings are bad for your baby." Essentially the suffering woman hears, "You aren't grateful enough. Stop crying. Get over it." </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Though for the most part my pregnancies were fantastic, the nausea in the early months for me were intolerable. I had unmedicated births no problem, but had there been some kind of early-pregnancy anti-sickness epidural, I'd have been the first in line for it. Many of my friends responded to my nauseated whimpers with patient comments like, "The nausea is a good sign. It will pass," Though I knew they meant to be helpful, I didn't feel heard. Instead I felt isolated and annoying. </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As a birth doula, I was keenly aware others had it worse than I. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 24px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Lucky you, your pregnancy is healthy!” </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">message served to deepen my feelings of shame around having a hard time coping with simple nausea. We need to realize that when a pregnant woman expresses displeasure, it doesn’t means she would trade in an uncomfortable symptom for a less healthy baby. The "Stop whining, you're a sacred vessel" message fails to honour this fact: not only outcomes, but experiences are deeply important to mothers. Experiences are woven into the tapestries of our motherhood, shaping who we are. </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Voicing something that hurts isn’t a cry of “I’m ungrateful!” It is often a cry to be heard. Not fixed. Not judged. Just heard. Within this listening space lies an opportunity for knots in the tapestry to be unravelled and examined, helping us to reweave our patterns of experience with more richness and beauty.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Most childbirth books don't contain a chapter called "When Pregnancy Sucks Just Because". Someone doesn’t have to be crippled by pain or wrapped around a bowl of upchucked Diclectin pills for nine months to experience suffering (though bless you if you are). Some women are inexplicably miserable while pregnant. Is this the mark of an unworthy "sacred vessel"? </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Absolutely not.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Litanies of woe can get tiresome for listeners, it’s true. But what if we were to give someone the benefit of the doubt? What if they really are having a hard time and not just whining? What if we stopped letting the complaints we hear go in one ear and out the other and we tuned in with a commitment to empathy? </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">One day many years ago I was supporting a birth with one of my apprentices. I was pregnant with my fourth child and green with nausea. I wanted to crawl under a rock. My apprentice touched my shoulder, looked deeply into my eyes with concern and asked, "Are you okay?" My eyes filled with tears at her tenderness. Our client's labour was still in its early phase, so without a word she took me by the hand and sat me in the comfiest chair in the waiting room. She wrapped me up gently and securely with her shawl, which smelled of lavender. She rubbed my feet and spoon fed me some mashed potatoes. I felt nurtured to my very core. She said, "I've got this birth. Don't worry. Rest." Not once did she remind me that the labouring woman we were caring for was likely far more uncomfortable.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">After a good cry, a nap, and more mashed potatoes, I got up and we saw a lovely baby into the world together. My student taught me much that day. Receiving love and compassion with no questions asked or expectations demanded was a great healing. Without words being exchanged, I knew I had been absolutely heard. Something shifted in my pregnancy that day. What she gave me remains a beautiful thread that shines brilliantly from the tapestry of my pregnancy experience.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Pregnancy can suck sometimes. Receiving loving kindness won't necessarily make it not suck, but when we feel heard and understood, a battle of tension within dissolves, and we can relax into the truth of the experience with more strength. </span></div>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059951273542374898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686997867572223504.post-85382474916848408622016-01-23T12:13:00.001-05:002016-01-23T12:13:55.687-05:00Jewish transgender man gives birth and embraces life as a single ‘abba’<a href="http://www.jta.org/2016/01/22/news-opinion/united-states/jewish-transgender-man-gives-birth-and-embraces-life-as-a-single-abba#.VqO0yhCt_o0.blogger">Jewish transgender man gives birth and embraces life as a single ‘abba’</a>: (JTA) — When Rafi Daugherty went to the hospital for the birth of his first child, he posted a sign on the delivery room door. “I am a single transgender man having my first baby,” it read. “I use he/him/his pronouns and will be called ‘Abba’ (Hebrew for father) by the baby. Papa, Dad, Daddy,...Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059951273542374898noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686997867572223504.post-181625314249270112016-01-01T12:24:00.001-05:002016-08-05T22:18:40.395-04:005 Realistic Parenting Resolutions <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvTBw9s-Kdyd0tIKacAr_huTnAV3TVSi4KgP7EppOYAxIRxFRXqHlKZIVUZCeMSdueF0_XG_iwdbDoz1Aq6n6J8cXy7WAUsytfNPIQ3gtmgcLsTnMgHVHL1K2dhhk-5dTFEgKeAbCAZV-0/s1600/5+Realistic+Parenting+Resolutions+for+2016-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvTBw9s-Kdyd0tIKacAr_huTnAV3TVSi4KgP7EppOYAxIRxFRXqHlKZIVUZCeMSdueF0_XG_iwdbDoz1Aq6n6J8cXy7WAUsytfNPIQ3gtmgcLsTnMgHVHL1K2dhhk-5dTFEgKeAbCAZV-0/s320/5+Realistic+Parenting+Resolutions+for+2016-2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span id="docs-internal-guid-a5ef8e27-fa90-f045-7101-fcb2035f9247"></span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.656; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ever have parenting moments when you feel like you’re failing? Me too. I have found myself staring at a kid in the wake of a meltdown thinking I wasn't cut out for this job. </span></div>
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<b id="docs-internal-guid-b68de220-5384-76b7-167b-34c2c1b13588" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.656; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have made resolutions to be a better parent such as: "I want to stop yelling at my kids when I'm upset." Most have fallen to the wayside, where resolutions go to die.</span></div>
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<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.656; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am a mother of four kids. I'm also a doula, which is essentially a parent support professional throughout pregnancy, birth, and the early days postpartum. I know well (personally and professionally) the struggle of clinging to the hope that we're good enough parents.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.38;">
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.656; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Only a small percentage of the things we resolve to change get changed. There are the good intentions, but then life takes over after a few days. You fall off the "Resolution Wagon", add "Failure to Stick to Anything" to your list of "Things to Beat Yourself Up Over", and end up feeling worse than when you started.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">What you don't need are more resolutions. What you need are </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.6667px; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i><b>mindsets</b></i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span></div>
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<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.656; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Before setting your mind to becoming a parenting rockstar, keep this principle in mind: </span></div>
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<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
</div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.656; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">SEE IT. FEEL IT. BE IT. </span></div>
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<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.656; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When you watch a scary movie, your heart pounds, and you hide behind pillows until someone tells you it's okay to look. While your rational mind knows the film isn’t real, your unconscious mind doesn't! Adrenaline is released in response to perceived threat, resulting in real fear of pretend zombies. </span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.656; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">For your goals to work, your unconscious mind (like an unruly child) needs to receive direction from your rational mind (firm parent). Pathways in your brain that connect these parts need to be created. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">What needs to fuel this direction from your rational mind is INSPIRATION, which is received from your HIGHER unconscious. This is the part of you that is moved beyond words by music and gobsmacked by the beauty of a sunset.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.38;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
</div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.656; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If we have the unruly child mind and the firm parent mind, the </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">higher</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> unconscious is the wise elder mind, whose functions are </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">unconditional love and connection.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.38;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
</div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.656; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Nothing sabotages your goals more than your inner critics. They are parts of you which, from past experience, believe they haven't been invited to participate in love. You can say to yourself, "I will be a good parent" all you want, and it's about as effective as herding cats if you're not programming your brain to forge new pathways of healing connection. </span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.38;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
</div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.656; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Training the different parts of your consciousness to work cooperatively takes practice and love for what your goal seeks to achieve, for whom your goal serves, and for the goal setter (you). This is why mindset is so important.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.38;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
</div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.656; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">SEE IT</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">: State your intentions as if they are already done. Not, "I want to be a great parent," but "I AM a great parent." What does a great parenting moment look like to you? Your imagination is a powerful gift. Take time to “live” there for a while.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.38;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
</div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.656; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">FEEL IT</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">: Feel the goodness and freedom of that statement as you “see” it. Let it fuel your brain rather than negative feelings. Ignore the inner critics.</span></div>
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<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
</div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.656; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">BE IT:</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> While you may still believe you have lots of parenting kinks to work out, your unconscious mind is meanwhile receiving and believing the messages of freedom and joy from your imagination. . As you repeat your intentions to yourself daily WITH SEEING AND FEELING, your responses to sticky parenting situations will gradually begin to change in ways that reflect your inner awesome parent!</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.38;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
</div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.656; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Make it a daily practice to see and feel your parenting intentions, and the being will follow. You will even spontaneously begin to develop goals for each resolution. Let yourself feel great about YOU. You will never be perfect. Let that go. But your children will notice your increased parental self-esteem, and that in itself is healing.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.38;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
</div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.656; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">May these five mindsets transform your parenting from the inside out, proving to you what I already know: You are amazing! You’ve got this.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.38;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
</div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.656; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">1) I AM a loving parent.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Even if you feel like you mess up sometimes, if this message becomes embedded, you will see that most of what you do comes from love, even if some of the lenses your love filters through aren’t yet “polished”. Having compassion for yourself teaches your children to be more compassionate.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.38;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
</div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.656; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">2) I AM a grateful parent.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Sometimes you feel so bad about something you've done as a parent, you think your kids would be better off without you. But it isn't true. You get to be with these little ones, and they love you so much. Feel gratitude for your family, warts and all.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.38;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
</div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.656; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">3) I AM an effective parent</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. With this message nourishing your system, those moments you feel like your children are unprofessional tiny monsters who won't get into their jammies, you will gain perspective. Instead of reacting in frustration, you will take moments to search for the most effective (and least damaging) way of dealing with the situation. You will feel more skillful, and that feels good!</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.38;">
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
</div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.656; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">4) I AM an understanding parent.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> We are always asking our kids, "Do you understand me?" Actively seeking first to really see and understand your kids will help them develop their skills in understanding themselves, you, and others.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.38;">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<div style="line-height: 1.656;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">5) I AM a parent who cares for him/herself</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. If you saw your best friend ragged, exhausted, giving everything to their children at the expense of their own dreams and well being, wouldn't you be concerned? Take tender care of your children's precious parent. This will not breed selfish kids. This will teach your children how to value themselves as radiant beings of joyful, balanced service to the world. </span></div>
<div style="line-height: 1.656;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "arial";"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; line-height: 24.288px; white-space: pre-wrap;">You will stray from your mindset at times. It is human nature. Forgive yourself, and like the Buddhists say with simple elegance, "begin again". </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.666666666666666px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="http://www.motherwit.ca/">www.MotherWit.ca</a></span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059951273542374898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686997867572223504.post-48799406759548464422015-12-29T23:21:00.000-05:002016-01-01T14:48:13.629-05:004 Keys to Night Time Survival for New Parents<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
In parenting as in life, everything is about perspective. It is our outlook combined with basic biological factors which make the soundtrack of our lives, helping us transition through the common adjustments the postpartum period requires.<br />
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Becoming a parent is perhaps one of the biggest shifts in life, one that requires major adaptation. Not only do we adjust physically as mothers to allow room for another human being to grow and develop inside us, but we prepare psychologically to become parents. We seek out education, and look to our families, friends and acquaintances for guidance and example.
But truly nothing can prepare us for the reality of early parenthood. Even the comprehensive and detailed courses that bring us information that is vital to new parenthood seem millennia away!<br />
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Awake late in the night, holding your fresh baby, much of what you learned seems out of reach.
Being at home with that new little being can be overwhelming for new parents. There is so much to know and we feel often inadequate and afraid that one simple decision is the only thing separating us from calamity. Our perspective is coloured by desperate love and inexperience.
The truth is that we have everything it takes. We always had it. We just have to trust it. But how?<br />
<br />
There are four keys which MotherWit Postpartum Doulas use to help new parents develop strategies to balance life: <b>NUTRITION</b>, <b>SUPPORT</b>, <b>LOVE</b> and <b>SLEEP</b>.<br />
<ul>
<li><b>NUTRITION</b> is paramount to keeping a sleep-deprived, adrenaline-pumping brain in check. Accepting healthy meals from family and friends is key. Postpartum Doulas also bring food according to your needs.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><b>SUPPORT</b> refers to asking for help, calling on family and friends, asking questions, and seeking out respectful, non-judgemental resources. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><b>LOVE</b> speaks to laughter, joy, allowing worry to melt away from time to time and relishing this new experience. It means loving yourself, your partner, and your new family member. And throw in a cart-load of forgiveness. You may as well start now! </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><b>SLEEP</b>... ah sleep. I leave sleep for last because the lack of it is the wrench that can throw all of the above into chaos. When we are sleep-deprived our perspective can be very warped. If you have never been woken up every hour for days on end, suddenly have a tiny and extremely demanding life depending on you absolutely and completely, then new parenthood will feel like some sort of insane Amazing Race you can't get out of! Days and nights melt into each other and seem endless.</li>
</ul>
Often family and friends can be a great support here. Having a set of arms to hold Baby as you nap can be a life-saver. But sometimes what is needed is a (nearly) full night's sleep.
This is where overnight Doula support comes in.<br />
<br />
A Doula, experienced in pregnancy, birth and postpartum care, is a great choice of person to care for you and your baby during the night hours, when things can seem even more overwhelming. Doula arrives as you are ready for bed and often spends a few moments making tea and discussing your concerns before tucking you into bed.<br />
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The Doula will take care of Baby's needs as they arise, tending to changing, burping, and soothing. If your baby needs your breast, they are brought to you for feeding, the Doula providing hand-on support and company in those challenging wee hours. Doulas will also feed Baby with a bottle to help you get more sleep if this is your need. A Doula will, however, know when Baby needs that comfort only mama's arms can provide. You don't need to worry that your baby will be missing you. We can find the balance between as much sleep for you as possible, and ensuring Baby's needs for connection with you are met.<br />
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Burping, diapering and rocking are generally taken care of so the new parents can get as much sleep as possible.
What is the result? It seems it is almost a miracle! Parents rise in the morning and coffee is brewing and ready. They often have time to shower before meeting Doula with a smile.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large; font-weight: bold;">Our goal is for you to need us less, not more. </span>Even one or two nights of restful sleep is often a turning point for many new parents. The brain is boosted with sleep, the over active adrenal glands take a break, and sweet relaxation takes over.<br />
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The many nights I have spent caring for new families in their cozy home are some of my most memorable moments as a Doula. It is perhaps the epitome of what it is to care for and nurture a new family into being. It is a sweet and gentle time, a time to move slowly and carefully. The world slows down, and in this moment space is created for your family to take its rightful place.<br />
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We no longer live in a world where "elders" are part of our cultural structure, but we can be sought out and utilized. Nothing is more comforting that sleeping soundly as the world is cared for by someone else. That is why Doulas do this work and carry this cultural tradition forward. It is important, valuable and often miraculous!<br />
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Love,<br />
Millie Tresierra<br />
Postpartum Doula<br />
MotherWit Doula Care<br />
www.MotherWit.caAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059951273542374898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686997867572223504.post-36082897380446657642015-12-14T12:32:00.000-05:002015-12-15T16:13:55.321-05:00Adjusting to Life with a Toddler and a New Baby<!-- BEGIN BHBadge -->
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When we have our first babies, it doesn't matter where we come from or how well we have mastered other areas of our lives. We all begin parenthood as newbies, and the learning curve is steep. We fumble and falter, gain confidence and wisdom, run into stumbling blocks, and hopefully learn to forgive ourselves those days it feels like we should start making large deposits into our child's future therapy fund.<br />
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Despite what a balancing act having a child is, many of us venture to have more than one. I went on to have four. Parental concerns shift with subsequent babies from "How do I take care of a newborn?" to "How will my toddler and I cope with my attention being so focused on the new baby?"<br />
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With older children it is different, because they can communicate their feelings more clearly. Toddlers, who are often still in diapers and just learning how to string several words together, are the ones parents tend to worry about the most.<br />
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These are the most common concerns parents have about how their toddlers will cope with the new baby:<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>1) What is the best way to introduce my toddler to the new baby?</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span>
Every family has different wishes for the first meeting. Some parents experienced a rough birth and prefer their toddlers to visit when they're feeling less sore and more present. Others want the toddler to be brought over right away. Some are even present for the birth. Whatever feels right for your family is likely the best plan.<br />
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What parents are often afraid of is their toddler reacting negatively to the new baby at that first precious meeting. It can happen, and it is best to not take it personally, or as a sign that things aren't starting on the right foot. Toddlers are unpredictable, and don't always show up emotionally in the way we hope. <br />
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Having the toddler be introduced to their sibling in the presence of someone else they are attached to is an appealing idea to many families. If the older child becomes upset, Grandma or Uncle can be there as the safe harbour. It is around this time many toddlers begin to see that it is not only Mom or Dad who can provide a loving haven. And it can be hard for some parents to see this happening, as they interpret it as a withdrawal from them. They feel guilty. But in fact it is okay to let "the village" help.<br />
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Many parents have a tradition of giving the toddler a gift from the new baby, as a way to honour them for being a wonderful big sibling. This can definitely smooth the rough edges for some kids. <br />
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Encouraging visitors who come to see the new baby to take time to connect with the toddler helps too. In all the new baby excitement, the older kids can definitely feel overlooked, which enforces their feelings of exclusion.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>2) Will my toddler regress in behaviour?</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span>
Most likely? Yes, to a greater or lesser extent. Without being able to communicate skillfully with words, it makes sense they'll articulate their feelings, intentionally or not, through their actions. <br />
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It is normal for kids who were perhaps using the toilet to begin having accidents, or even giving up the toilet all together for a while. Night waking can be more frequent, and bottles/breast may be requested again.<br />
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Many parents want to have their toddlers be a little more grown up before the baby arrives, and think about stopping some of their comfort seeking behaviours. But stripping away too many of the things that may provide their toddlers with comfort (binkies, blankies, and bears, for example) at a time they may most need to have some security, may not be most helpful.<br />
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Either way a parent decides, if a new habit has been formed, regression for a while is normal. This too shall pass.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>3) Will my toddler be jealous with all the time I spend with the baby?</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span>
Yes, they will probably be jealous. It is absolutely normal for a little one who is used to their parents' consistent attention to feel jealous when a new baby comes. We cannot reason that feeling out of a kid. The reason parents ask this is not because they can't handle the behavioural acting out the kid will likely do as a result of their tender feelings, but because their hearts are broken at the thought of their beloved child being sad.<br />
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To minimize some of the jealous feelings, some parents play the "Being a Baby is SO Boring" game. It gently encourages the toddler to feel proud to be a bigger kid. It goes like this: "See Baby having her milk? Poor Baby, she doesn't get to eat big kid food like you do. She only gets milk. And she can't understand the books we read together. It's not as fun for Baby, because she's not big like you. How about you eat your snack and I read to you while Baby drinks her milk?"<br />
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The goal isn't to push the toddler into any given behaviour, but to suggest that it's kind of cool to not be a baby anymore. As cushy as baby life might look being in Mom's or Dad's arms a lot, baby life is comparatively limited.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-size: large;">4) How will I ever love my new baby as much as I love my toddler?</span></b><br />
<br />
As a mother of four, I have learned that the heart is not like a loaf of bread. It is not a finite thing that is sliced up into pieces and given away in increments, leaving the possibility of nothing left. With the intense love we've shared with our older kid since their birth, we can worry we're down to the heel of the loaf.<br />
<br />
The good news is that the heart is infinite. It has an absolutely endless supply of love. It has the capacity to welcome and include our new arrivals with as much intensity as we share with our older kids. <br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>5) I hate to say this, but I find my toddler annoying.</b></span><br />
<br />
What often concerns the birth giver most is that there can be a period in which they feel like they actually love the new baby more. This can be unexpected and distressing, something they may not admit to people, even though it is quite normal. Hormonally, our bodies are geared towards bonding fiercely with and protecting our babies. Toddlers can appear suddenly huge, loud, and demanding. <br />
<br />
Let's repeat our parental mantra: This too shall pass. In a normal situation, hormones adjust, toddlers adjust, and everyone finds their place a little more comfortably in the family. The love will then generally not be seen as "more or less", simply as different, because our children are different people.<br />
<br />
Parent hearts are often so very tender over the fact their toddler is having to go through some tough emotional adjustments. As loving parents we want to spare our children from pain. It hurts us to see them sad. And the sadness that can be expressed in a myriad of toddler ways in response to Baby fills parents with guilt and worry.<br />
<br />
If we think about it, almost all major life transitions contain elements of pain. Growth can hurt. It is a natural part of the process of being human. Even for toddlers. If we can connect with our toddlers time to time in the authenticity of their pain and simply love them without trying to fix the feelings we wish they wouldn't have, we honour the human growth work they are doing.<br />
<br />
The acknowledgement, "you are sad, this is hard, and I love you exactly as you are," can be more effective in facilitating growth and healing than drowning out the reality of pain with gifts, distraction, or words like "but don't you want to be a good big brother/sister?" <br />
<br />
While it can be hard to come to terms with the role adjustment of going from being "the baby" to being a big sibling, we do get used to it. And we can even end up enjoying it.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Lesley Everest<br />
<a href="http://www.motherwit.ca/">www.MotherWit.ca</a><br />
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/MotherWitDoulaCare/?fref=ts">https://www.facebook.com/MotherWitDoulaCare/?fref=ts</a><br />
<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059951273542374898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686997867572223504.post-51244653168665770552015-12-13T14:10:00.002-05:002015-12-13T14:10:54.419-05:00BellyFit Giveaway! MakeMyBellyFit <div style="color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 6px;">
BellyFit GIVEAWAY!!</div>
<div style="color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
Winter is coming! (eventually) Mamas keep those bellies and babies snug and warm with a BellyFit by MakeMyBellyFit!</div>
<div style="color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<a class="profileLink" data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/page.php?id=208812929283579" href="https://www.facebook.com/MotherWitBirthEssentials/" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;">MotherWit Birth Essentials Prenatal Classes</a> is honoured to partner with <a class="profileLink" data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/page.php?id=449764175052958" href="https://www.facebook.com/makemybellyfit/" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;">MakeMyBellyFit</a> to offer someone a FREE BellyFit Jacket Extender!! <span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><br />The BellyFit is a jacket extender for maternity and baby-carrying. It allows you to keep using your OWN jacket through maternity and to extend around your baby-carrier. Included in the prize is a BellyFit, Warmth Layer (for extra toastiness) and any Zip Adapter necessary to make it attach to your jacket. </span></div>
<div class="text_exposed_show" style="color: #141823; display: inline; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px;">
To enter:</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
Like and Share our <a class="profileLink" data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/page.php?id=208812929283579" href="https://www.facebook.com/MotherWitBirthEssentials/" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;">MotherWit Birth Essentials Prenatal Classes</a> page. (please show MakeMyBellyFit some love and like their page too!)</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
And</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
Leave a comment on this post on why you'd like a BellyFit Extender! </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
BONUS! We will also giveaway a 2nd prize: a $75 gift certificate towards MotherWit Birth Essentials Prenatal Classes!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
We will pick 2 winners randomly on Sunday December 20th!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg66nNaJit7LauEM6U4__WHQF97A7LM6FQKxzGed4pt1SUoIiw34KALwhT9_bwzi7s6QU08HXjDeWf1pJjI4Uitua1Wm31bCJRVh2R78tI4rAmLR4N1UUy-MGO19BNqtgn8VDYhr-Rm9iHd/s1600/BellyGIVEAWAY%2521.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg66nNaJit7LauEM6U4__WHQF97A7LM6FQKxzGed4pt1SUoIiw34KALwhT9_bwzi7s6QU08HXjDeWf1pJjI4Uitua1Wm31bCJRVh2R78tI4rAmLR4N1UUy-MGO19BNqtgn8VDYhr-Rm9iHd/s320/BellyGIVEAWAY%2521.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059951273542374898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686997867572223504.post-41788123022340311212015-12-04T11:32:00.002-05:002015-12-04T11:32:53.714-05:00Just Eat the Monkey: Keeping it Simple in Birth and Breastfeeding
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibZYp5z6_zZagxLojoCGK1Vel8HWFR1Vp16A6wAxbIktZjGj9uw1AiDiVvnjPTA019xztWClBPOzfgW_vWh7WXwa_TV-kYz24iVOEH1A1xuHJLTZ3SkNx_Jub71_6LaBBEt_t6lZt9ay-3/s1600/baby+monkey.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibZYp5z6_zZagxLojoCGK1Vel8HWFR1Vp16A6wAxbIktZjGj9uw1AiDiVvnjPTA019xztWClBPOzfgW_vWh7WXwa_TV-kYz24iVOEH1A1xuHJLTZ3SkNx_Jub71_6LaBBEt_t6lZt9ay-3/s320/baby+monkey.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Guest post by MotherWit Doula Megan Tolbert</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Doulas
in a group tend to get kind of chatty. And in my neck of the woods,
doula chatter swings from the ridiculous to the sublime in the blink
of an eye.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">One
late afternoon, a smack* of doulas was sitting around my living room,
enjoying a glass of wine in preparation for our evening reservation
at a local spa. Naturally the conversation turned to how we would
survive stranded on a desert island.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">I'd
tame a monkey, and teach it to breastfeed. I'd relactate, and survive
off my own breastmilk!” declared one enterprising doula.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Lengthy,
heated discussion followed about how one would tame this alleged
monkey (it would have to be a baby monkey, it was decided), how long
the relactation process would take (given the fact that the doula in
question had not breastfed for eight years or more at that time), and
whether the caloric expenditure involved in producing the breastmilk
would be worthwhile in the first place.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Meanwhile,
deep into a second glass of wine, I had an epiphany.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">You
GUYS. Why are you breastfeeding this monkey, when you could be EATING
it?”</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">We
all have a tendency to overcomplicate things sometimes. I see it done
during birth in hospital settings, where a C-section can be proposed
before even considering a simple solution, like changing positions to
help baby descend. </span></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">I
see it with new (and sometimes experienced) doulas in some of the
Facebook groups I belong to, frantically listing all the things
they've done so far to “fix” a clients long early labour—only
to be reminded that maybe the best thing they could do right now is
get their clients to sleep, and just leave them alone for a while. </span></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">I
see it with new parents when I visit them postpartum, frazzled and
exhausted, baby fussy and demanding—they've forgotten the first
thing they ever learned in hospital about newborn care: Skin to skin.
So back to bed we go, pillows placed just so, dress down mama and
baby, and just....breathe. And suddenly this breastfeeding thing
doesn't seem so challenging.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Going
back to basics oftentimes gets the job done. Occam's Razor is a vital
principle in my work as a doula, one I have to remind myself of over
and over: The simplest explanation is usually the correct one. </span></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">In
birth, in parenthood, in life: Keep it simple. And for goodness sake,
stop breastfeeding that monkey and just eat the darned thing!</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i>*
“Smack” is the unofficial collective noun for a group of doulas,
like a murder of crows, a pride of lions, or an exaltation of larks. </i></span></span>
</div>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059951273542374898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686997867572223504.post-78376292518425618422015-11-18T10:20:00.001-05:002015-11-19T10:44:40.053-05:00I Did Not Fight Cancer<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbWw5pPioDA4Yaof_iwwwGDA_v4yggLi_4fLAoxAjXpmZDx5JpyoMO-2aAHf8_7NBAVCCW3xontnbJgkW57h5wzwmSlAOJ2OO5iLr4M4Gl4R4E8IgMoQ0n7jRkJBBJwxYCEaQiv0-pWrpC/s1600/in+hospital+with+iv.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; line-height: 20.24px; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center; white-space: pre-wrap;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbWw5pPioDA4Yaof_iwwwGDA_v4yggLi_4fLAoxAjXpmZDx5JpyoMO-2aAHf8_7NBAVCCW3xontnbJgkW57h5wzwmSlAOJ2OO5iLr4M4Gl4R4E8IgMoQ0n7jRkJBBJwxYCEaQiv0-pWrpC/s400/in+hospital+with+iv.jpg" width="300" /></a></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arialmt" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Many
people use fighting words when it comes to cancer. “I battled
cancer.” “My mother lost her fight with cancer.” </span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arialmt" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">For
many, The Warrior Path is essential to their journey, and I honour
that. When I had cancer, I felt a strong aversion to using the
language of war. I chose a different path that I felt worked for
me, and want to share another possible way of being fierce in the
face of illness. </span></span></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arialmt" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">In
2012 a blood test to investigate pains in my lower back and unusual
vaginal bleeding determined my kidneys were in distress and I was
anemic to a level that required blood transfusion. </span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arialmt" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I
was hospitalized, and upon further investigation it was determined I
had invasive cervical cancer. Flooded with shock, rage, and fear, I
was tempted to fight it tooth and nail. But something in me said,
"Breathe".</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arialmt" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<span style="color: black;">
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arialmt" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I
went through a procedure in which a tube was placed into each kidney
for drainage, since my ureters were dangerously narrowed by the
cancer which riddled my pelvis. After my kidneys were drained
and stable, the tubes were replaced by stents in my ureters. Those
stents were hell. </span></span></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arialmt" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I
began six weeks of chemo along with daily radiation. I received
three treatments of Brachytherapy, a process involving radiation
directly to the tumors. I didn’t see these fierce medicines
as weapons against my cancer, rather I chose to embrace them as
friends that would help me reboot my system to be open to healthier
patterns. I blessed them with such gratitude for their availability at this point in time, as well as the magnificent doctors who had the skills to apply them.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arialmt" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Unmanageable
pain was the worst part of the experience for me. There was no real
life, as I was either out of my head on drugs or frightening my
children with the sound of my moaning.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arialmt" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So
did I want to fight cancer at times? You bet I did. I had
moments of rage and panic, which breed the "fight or flight" impetus. With
cancer that advanced I was terrified of dying and leaving my husband
and four children. I believed I would never feel better, that
my “good” days were entirely behind me, and that this existence
was all that was left.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arialmt" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I
was bitter that cancer was in my cervix. I was a doula, a
veritable cervix fairy, and here was mine obliterated by disease. I
would have taken cancer anywhere else in my body far less personally. But as a wise friend said, "Of COURSE it's in your cervix! This is how you will make meaning of this journey."</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arialmt" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">A
few months after treatment, which had showed promising results, I was
admitted to the hospital again in renal failure, vomiting my face off
and feeling like there were bugs crawling all over my skin. Three
doctors stood at my bedside telling me that an MRI showed a mass near
my lower spine, and that if this wasn't metastasized cancer, it would
be a miracle. </span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arialmt" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I
checked myself out of the hospital with re-inserted kidney tubes. I
schlepped them around attached to some not-so-sexy looking urine
collection bags I wore strapped to my legs. As awful as this sounds,
I was grateful for the tubes, as life feels much better with
functioning kidneys.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arialmt" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The
doctors wanted me to stay in the hospital to get an immediate PET
scan to determine the extent of the cancer. I told them I’d
get the PET scan in six weeks as an out-patient, as I wanted to take
some time to enjoy feeling stable. Nobody argued, as there were
no medical heroics to be had.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arialmt" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Clear
headed and with nothing to lose, I wanted to go deeply within and
explore how I was going to live my precious available moments. </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "arialmt" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;">I
wanted to be with the friends who made me laugh. I wanted to do
things I didn't normally do for fear of being judged, like explore
more esoteric healing practices. I wanted to express overflowing love and blessings to all those who sent me thoughts and prayers for healing, and who supported me in doing the things that nourished my wellness. I needed to come hurtling out my suffocating spiritual closet into a place of freedom for my soul's expression without caring if people didn't understand me.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arialmt" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I
wanted to teach another doula training, but this time include the spiritual aspects of the work. I had always shied away from teaching from that place of spiritual authenticity because I thought people wouldn't want to learn from me, judging me as being earthy/crunchy woo woo, which frankly is not great for a professional doula's reputation. I scheduled a course and taught it in Toronto the way I wanted, including ceremony and deep soul nourishment for my beloved students. It remains one of the most powerful gatherings I've
ever been part of. </span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arialmt" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I
drank Cosmos with friends and walked around my beloved city, eating
whatever I wanted. I enjoyed my family fully. I focused on life, not
the lurking mass. I participated in a Sweat Lodge with a spiritual
community in New York state without apologizing to the non-crunchy
folks in my life, and revelled in the joy of feeling fully myself. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMM2EtEHNQFXvbtgj9zNoC86WotBeGyOygYugomGahdiOIjjrthlpCAee056czdDvMtaiJTY4jvGlWPMN2N6kfEvri3TpBHRxOEfKriqo50Of7_tF5DsG-723KdFFsVVY6tBaxYr6XJlZP/s1600/Omega+altar.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; line-height: 20.24px; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center; white-space: pre-wrap;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMM2EtEHNQFXvbtgj9zNoC86WotBeGyOygYugomGahdiOIjjrthlpCAee056czdDvMtaiJTY4jvGlWPMN2N6kfEvri3TpBHRxOEfKriqo50Of7_tF5DsG-723KdFFsVVY6tBaxYr6XJlZP/s320/Omega+altar.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arialmt" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">On
that pivotal trip to Sweat Lodge, I learned from a friend about an
amazing school in New York City called One Spirit Interfaith Seminary. Its program focused not upon promoting any religious dogma, but upon serving as a presence of peace and healing in the
world on people's own terms. Despite my diagnosis, I applied to this two year
seminary program in order to become an interspiritual minister,
trusting the internal “YES” that guided me. </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "arialmt" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;">I chose to love life again, no matter what.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arialmt" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I
noticed that relinquishing my bitterness about cancer and choosing to
live fearlessly made me feel better physically and emotionally. I
did the things that were meaningful to me without caring what people
thought. I kissed my fears of living my real dreams goodbye,
realizing that the fears I carried were simply the awesome parts of
me I had never claimed.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arialmt" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I
discovered that a chapter in the story of my cancer was about a part
of me that had grown wild. I had gotten so caught up in being
the mother/wife/doula I thought I SHOULD be, I denied the woman I
truly was, and she was demanding to be witnessed in all her passion and ferocity. Fighting
cancer meant fighting myself, and that just didn’t make sense in my
narrative.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arialmt" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I
have never been religious, but I realized I was still struggling
with my concept of "god". Through insights that came from
working diligently to heal what I felt was a toxic, disempowering
relationship with a disassociated higher power “out there”, I
learned to trust what emerged from the higher power within.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arialmt" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I finally went for that PET scan. When I saw my oncologist a week later
he said, “It appears you have no evidence of disease.” Do I
think my approach provided a magical cure? No. I think I
had a lot of good luck on my side. But I do believe making peace
with cancer left me feeling serene and with the ability to cope with
whatever life threw at me. Had I discovered cancer was still there and advancing, I would not have thought I "lost" any "fight". I don't see cancer as some foe trying to conquer people. Illness and death are not failures.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arialmt" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Three
years later, I remain cancer-free, living a life dedicated to helping
people have awesome birth experiences, training doulas to have
healthy, thriving practices, and providing spiritual support to folks
as a minister.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arialmt" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Many
people fight cancer and win. Fantastic! That is their
story, and I deeply honour it. My intuition spoke to me of working
differently with cancer, and learning the lessons it had to teach me.
I like to think it worked for me. Everyone who sets their
foot to the path of healing must decide their own approach, and
infuse it with their own belief.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arialmt" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">May
your motherwit, that innate intuitive knowing, be a strong partner in
your healing. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arialmt" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "arialmt" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Lesley</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-decoration: none;">
<span style="color: black;">
</span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059951273542374898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686997867572223504.post-16120411028751201272015-11-06T22:05:00.000-05:002015-11-06T22:05:15.930-05:00Trying to Find Your Voice in the NICU: A Mother's Story<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhs9NRn5_jwVUGHNfzVIlN6HYmvbcLYWR-wplOrazL7Jl90xcEQszNYjxc83GoDLDApE0v_SIX2EQnCUwOs_YFPVOTfnaoGeHH7GpfQlI01gFDcZdO0ADbZJyVzUjbO8-kJezgv3qQ0x9LF/s1600/Depositphotos_3448419_original.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhs9NRn5_jwVUGHNfzVIlN6HYmvbcLYWR-wplOrazL7Jl90xcEQszNYjxc83GoDLDApE0v_SIX2EQnCUwOs_YFPVOTfnaoGeHH7GpfQlI01gFDcZdO0ADbZJyVzUjbO8-kJezgv3qQ0x9LF/s320/Depositphotos_3448419_original.jpg" width="320" /></a>I am so honoured to have received this recount of a precious new mother's experience after the premature birth of her son. I will refer to her as Anne. <br />
<br />
Anne's quest for healing after her disempowering experience in the NICU led her to write out her story as an exercise in personal process. She has generously agreed to allow me to share it.<br />
<br />
As a doula, I am rarely allowed in the NICUs in my town. The odd times I am, all I can do is offer support. Parents don't have time to read books I might recommend on evidence based care, and they are not something people generally choose to read in pregnancy, as rarely do people expect, nor should go around fearing the possibility of having a premature or sick baby. I am not a medical expert. What I do with every contact I have is say, "You are doing amazingly. Be strong about saying you'll be holding and breastfeeding your baby as much as possible. It will be better when you get home."<br />
<br />
I can only bolster parents' trust in their own instincts. encourage a lot of question asking in the hopes they will receive correct information, provide information on the benefits of Kangaroo care, and listen heartbroken to the parental feelings of overwhelm and self-doubt. <br />
<br />
Parents are so busy in the NICU and catching up on rest, that our communications are usually few and far between, their focus completely taken up by the care of their child and themselves. As a doula, I make sure my communications are calm and as encouraging as possible. The best healing I can bring is to love them up when they get home (where I am allowed to be with them as long as they wish, unlike in the NICU), and support them as they begin to reconnect to their fractured motherwit. <br />
<br />
Even the fiercest and most knowledgeable of self-advocates may, at the mercy of postpartum hormones, exhaustion, fear for their baby's health, and perhaps even a sense of guilt about not wanting to seem ungrateful for the fact their baby is in loving, capable hands, be at risk for being completely railroaded by the environment. It hurts when my role becomes more about emotional damage control than being able to do much practical support as I can in a birthing room. When I do have the opportunity to be in the NICU, I am treated as someone taking up too much space, and am often told impatiently that I can't be there much longer.<br />
<br />
It is my wish all parents, health care providers, and doulas take away from Anne's and her partner's story the inspiration to participate in the creation a more nourishing, correct information providing, and parent/baby-as-symbiotic-unit approach to caring for families spending time in the NICU. <br />
<br />
Here is her story:<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="en-US"><i><span style="font-size: large;">Trying to find your
voice as a new parent in the NICU</span></i></span></div>
<div lang="en-US" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="" name="_GoBack"></a><br />
</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="en-US"><i><span style="font-size: large;">Advocates for less
medicalized births often talk about the dangers of the “cascade of
interventions” when laboring in hospitals and they encourage
pregnant women to be as informed as possible when deciding what they
do or don’t want or need while birthing. I am a researcher by
profession, and so when I was preparing to give birth to my first
child, who was born this past September, I really heeded this call. I
feel empowered when I am informed. My husband and I read books on
pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding, among other topics, we hired a
doula, we attended birth prep and baby care classes, I scoured
literature reviews on baby health and safety issues, and as a result,
we both felt relatively informed about the process that was about to
unfold in front of us. We knew that there was no such thing as being
“ready” to have a baby, but having spent so much time reading and
listening and talking gave us a sense of the kinds of possibilities
and issues that could arise during this huge life transition, and it
felt good to feel like we were not going in blindly and like we had
enough knowledge to be able to make decisions that were right for us
when the time came.</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="en-US"><i><span style="font-size: large;">The unfortunate
catch-22 of preparing to have a child is that you will most need to
feel educated and informed when things do not go as planned, and yet
it is both not realistic and not healthy to prepare yourself for
every little thing that can go wrong. Most writing that calls for
less medicalization of moms and babies assumes a context in which
everything goes relatively normally – it is often reiterated that
healthy births are not “medical events”. But how can we maintain
our agency and our dignity when they do become medical events? What I
want to reflect on here is the difficulty of trying to be informed,
advocate for yourself and make healthy choices for your newborn
outside that “normal” context. When my water suddenly ruptured
just a day shy of 35 weeks pregnant, I was prepared for the very easy
and uneventful birth that followed. What I was not prepared for were
the 2 weeks we spent in the NICU afterwards, and how we would
struggle to make the right choices for our son in such a constrained
and often enigmatic place. We had not done our research on caring for
a preterm infant – why would you? And while our son received loving
and attentive care during those two weeks and is now thriving, we
found ourselves stressed out, disempowered and really struggled while
he was there. It was an experience that really marked us and shaped
our early days as parents, and one that I am struggling to let go of.</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="en-US"><i><span style="font-size: large;">We often found
ourselves invoking the “cascade of interventions” not when
discussing my birth, but while trying to make sense of what was
happening to us in the NICU. Our son was born at 35 weeks on the dot,
screaming, for which I will always be grateful. A neonatology team
was in the room and examined him within minutes of his birth. He was
just shy of 5 lbs and they quickly declared him healthy and said they
did not think he would need any time in the NICU. I had about four
glorious hours of skin to skin with him before that opinion changed
because he repeatedly flunked his blood sugar test. We consented to
have him taken to the NICU to help sort out his hypoglycemia, and we
were told that this was such a minor issue that we were looking at an
overnight stay, at most.</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="en-US"><i><span style="font-size: large;">I was wheeled into
post-partum and a nurse gruffly gave me a breast pump and told me I
was going to need to start pumping. Assuming that everything would go
normally, I had never even looked at a breast pump before, nor did I
know how to use one, much less all those “tricks” I know now to
pump more effectively. I got very brief instructions and then
warnings about keeping up with it or else I would mess up my milk
supply. I visited our son in the NICU as soon as I had settled in,
and I was truly moved by the kindness of the nurse who was gentle and
reassuring as she completed his intake. But seeing him small,
vulnerable, in an incubator and hooked up to monitors was
heartbreaking. When the nurse wasn’t looking, I opened the
incubator door and put my hand in to hold his little hand and touch
his head. I felt like I was cheating. No one had thought to tell my
husband or I, that first day, that we were actually allowed to hold
our child and do skin to skin with him. It was only while texting
about it with Lesley that she mentioned that NICUs always let their
parents hold their babies except in the most dire circumstances, and
so I worked up the nerve to ask. Those first hours I just stared at
him in there and tried not to cry.</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;"><span lang="en-US">This was a running
theme of our NICU experience – the strange feeling of needing to
ask permission to care for your own child. It was two days before we
would even change one of his diapers. Our son’s hypoglycemia
cleared up within 24 hours and so we were excited to go home.
However, the IV he had in got messed up and needed to be removed, so
a nurse suggested putting in a gavage (feeding tube that goes through
the nose) instead, as it would be less invasive and less prone to
infection. We consented. They had made it seem like no big deal. What
we did not know at the time was that NICU protocol almost everywhere
is that once a baby has a gavage, they will not be released until
they eat without it for 24 hours. And so while the issue that brought
us to the NICU had disappeared, the gavage kept us there for two
weeks. We were now there for feeding issues. No one thought to
mention this change in medical concern. It would be days before we
really understood why we were there. </span>
</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="en-US"><i><span style="font-size: large;">This was another
running theme of our time in the NICU; the lack of true informed
consent. No one explained to us what it meant to put that tube in,
and then we felt blindsided when we got stuck there like we did.
Gavaging preemies is a really standard, common practice in NICUs;
there was no reason not to explain to us the implications of going
down that path. The absence of clear information was not for lack of
trying on my part. For example, our son had a moderate/borderline
severe case of jaundice, and I asked our attending resident some
questions about how they were making the call whether or not to treat
it for three days in a row before I finally got a reply that
explained their decision and the risks and benefits that informed it,
rather than just reiterating it. (If I remember correctly, that
eventual reply actually came from the attending pediatrician.)</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="en-US"><i><span style="font-size: large;">Our son’s new
diagnosis was “prematurity”. There was nothing wrong with him; he
was just young and struggled to stay awake long enough to eat. NICUs
have very particular ways of measuring what that means. They do 8
feedings a day, every three hours, and they use the baby’s weight
to determine a set amount of milk or formula the baby needs to be
able to ingest at each meal. “Feeding on demand” was out the
window. I had very little colostrum, which I now understand to be
normal, so he was immediately started on formula to meet the quantity
they had determined he needed. If we put him to the breast, which
many nurses encouraged, whatever he got at it did not “count” as
it could not be measured. Breastfeeding was therefore mostly for
“practice” and to help with my supply, but he still needed to get
a set quantity either by bottle or by gavage. If he fell asleep
finishing a bottle, the rest would be gavaged. The NICU was very
encouraging of breastfeeding, and yet the fact that you cannot
quantify it the way you can a bottle meant that for all the
breastfeeding tips I received, bottle-feeding had to be our focus. By
the end of our stay I would feel guilty if I put him to the breast
for a feed because I worried (incorrectly, it turns out, but this is
what I was told) that it would wear him out for his subsequent bottle
and we would get stuck there longer because of my stubborn insistence
on breastfeeding.</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;"><span lang="en-US">I would pump at
least every three hours in order to try and give him as much
colostrum and then milk as possible. Those first few days, nurses
kept asking me if my milk had come in yet – at one point a hospital
lactation consultant told me that because it was day three after a
vaginal birth, I should expect to be engorged within the next twelve
hours. I watched the clock. It didn’t happen. I thought something
was wrong with me. The doctor would do his rounds every morning,
conferring with nurses and residents within earshot of me and my son
in the incubator, talking about us in the third person. “How’s
mother’s milk?” he would ask, and they would always answer that I
had a weak supply. The first few days, my son actually hated the
formula and refused to drink from it (we had much more success
getting him to drink pumped milk from a bottle); with my supposed
weak supply, I felt like I was failing him and keeping us in there.
What no one told me, until a kind doctor on one of our very last days
there, was that my supply was weak because we were there, and that
most women experience supply issues when they are in the NICU,
because they are stressed, and are only allowed to put their babies
to the breast a few times a day, and because the pump is not as
effective as a baby at dictating how much milk to produce. </span>
</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="en-US"><i><span style="font-size: large;">I heard a million
comments over those two weeks, which were innocuous in their
intentions, along the lines of, “wow, you don’t have a lot of
milk, do you?” Never say something like that to a post-partum mom.
I held back tears every time. Those comments crushed me. I wish I had
known that it was just because I was there. I saw so many mothers
who, by the end of their stay in the NICU, had given up on
breastfeeding, quite understandably; pumping 8-10 times a day only to
produce inadequate milk is brutal. It felt like the hardest thing I
had ever done. I would set my alarm at night to pump and every time I
woke up I would feel disoriented, wondering where my baby was, and
sadly trudging to the pump instead. I had constant nightmares. It
felt profoundly wrong, in this really primal way, to sleep and wake
at night without my son there. When we came home it was such a
pleasure to wake to a crying baby instead of the breast pump.</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="en-US"><i><span style="font-size: large;">I do not debate that
our son probably needed to be in the NICU. It would have been
incredibly stressful trying to feed this small and sleepy baby all by
ourselves at home. There is a decent chance we would have ended up
there anyway. NICUs are amazing places that work very hard to care
for often very vulnerable babies, and the nurses we encountered
there, with literally only two exceptions over a two week span, were
among the kindest, most caring people I have ever met. I cried while
saying goodbye to them. They taught us how to care for our son; how
to swaddle him, bathe him, burp him, and they were always encouraging
and gentle with us. They are the most talented nurses I have ever
encountered and they worked their asses off as NICUs in Montreal are
painfully understaffed, often pulling doubles or giving up days off,
coming back early from sick leave or taking on more babies at a time
than they were supposed to. My son was in very good and loving hands
and I think about them with enormous gratitude every day.</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="en-US"><i><span style="font-size: large;">What made our time
in the NICU so difficult was mostly not the individual caregivers
(although I will mention a couple of exceptions below), but the
larger structure of this place and how it worked. The nurses were
kind, but the system itself was incredibly unkind. We ended up in two
different NICUs; first, a huge high-level NICU for 5 days, which then
(mercifully) transferred us to a lower-level one closer to home for
the next ten days. The higher level one had 75 beds for babies, and
only three courtesy rooms for the parents to sleep in, which we
therefore had to fight for every day. Doctors talked about us in the
third person, but spent little time talking to us. Our son was on
such a strict schedule that we generally had to ask for permission to
do things like take him out of his incubator. He was hooked up to
heart and respiration monitors despite there being no concerns about
his heart or lungs; it was just standard protocol to monitor him.
This might seem like a little thing, but he was talented at ripping
the monitors off (our little rebel!) and so they would constantly
malfunction and the beeping frayed our already damaged nerves. And on
a less avoidable note, it was brutal experiencing that post-partum
hormone crash in a place as frenzied as a high-level NICU. There were
sick babies, harried parents and alarms going off everywhere, and we
all felt very keenly how fragile all these little lives were. It is
just a really hard place to be. Between sick babies and crazy
hormones, I realize now that I was probably the most emotionally
vulnerable I have ever been in my life during those two weeks, and I
therefore had to navigate all of the issues I am describing here
feeling like a walking open wound.</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;"><span lang="en-US">Experiencing all of
this is especially brutal when it feels like a machine that is much
bigger than you, where there is more action than information. Like
the example of when they put in my son’s gavage or monitored my
son’s jaundice, informed consent was hard to come by. Despite this
standard 24-hour feeding rule, every day in our first NICU they made
it seem like we might be going home imminently. They told us they did
not want to make any “predictions” that would give us false hope,
and so all we ever heard was “at least until tomorrow.” We ran
ourselves ragged and therefore didn’t really sleep for 5 days
thinking that this was a very short-term stay. When we arrived in the
second, lower-level NICU, a kind pediatrician, in his initial
assessment, told us, “you will be here for a maximum of ten more
days.” I just about burst into tears, as that was so much longer
than we had expected, but we were so, so grateful to have someone
give us an idea of what was to come, rather than being evasive. His
assessment was prophetic as it was exactly ten days later that we
went home. </span>
</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;"><span lang="en-US">While most nurses
were truly gifted caregivers doing their best in impossible
circumstances, we nevertheless felt very vulnerable when it came to
the couple we encountered who were not. One nurse that we had over
two nights described herself as “old school” and told us she did
not believe in skin to skin or bonding, nor did she know anything
(nor really care) about breastfeeding. Our baby was a medical problem
to solve, not to snuggle. She made my husband feel particularly
unwelcome visiting our son at night, and so we eventually stayed away
as much as possible while she was around in order to avoid conflict.
We realized that there were two approaches to caring for babies in
the NICU; one that saw only the babies as the patients, and another
that saw the whole family as part of the caring process. I know now
that all medical evidence about newborns shows that they and their
parents are basically one entity in the early months, and that their
health is inseparable. Nurses like this one, who believed that their
only responsibility was to the baby, were going against pretty much
all current research. </span>
</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="en-US"><i><span style="font-size: large;">It was during his
first night with this nurse that my son began to have bradycardias,
which is a brief deceleration of the heart caused by his
still-developing nervous system. We were repeatedly assured by all
medical staff that these were harmless unless they started occurring
extremely frequently, yet they somehow made a big deal of them every
time one happened anyway, such that they felt terrifying. It becomes
hard to assert yourself when you are terrified. What I did not know
until I did some reading once we got home was that the best cure for
bradycardias is “kangaroo care”, i.e. extended skin to skin
contact between mother and baby. After our terrible first night with
this nurse, which left me sobbing on the phone with my mother, I kept
saying that it could not be a coincidence that this problem had
cropped up with such an unkind caregiver. I now know just how right I
was. Her “old school” approach actively impeded his development.
And yet when the doctors did their rounds, all they noted was the
bradycardias, without reflecting on where they came from or the
context in which they occurred.</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;"><span lang="en-US">While that was the
most extreme example, we still found ourselves at the mercy of
nurses’ and doctors’ often subjective opinions. In our second
NICU, there were signs at every incubator encouraging skin-to-skin
contact. My husband and I would spend about 16 hours a day there,
holding our son as much as we could, trying to make a place as weird
as the NICU as normal as possible during those formative first days
of his life. During one exhausted night towards the end of our stay,
a nurse got fed up with how much we held him, and told us our son
would rest better in the incubator. Sheepish, we put him back in the
incubator and prepared to leave for the night, but I wanted him to
fall asleep first. He lay there, eyes open, hiccupping, unable to
fall asleep as well as he did in our arms, for about an hour, while I
held back tear. I put my hand into the incubator and lay it on his
head, afraid to touch him more because we had just been chastised. He
looked tiny and alone and I cried the whole way home. </span>
</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;"><span lang="en-US">The next day we
asked the attending pediatrician about this, who of course confirmed
that the nurse was wrong, and that in fact babies rest better through
skin to skin than through an incubator, which is a machine trying to
simulate that environment. She said that as he was a healthy baby who
just needed some time to grow, “TLC” was all we could really do
for him at this point. This helped us feel more brave about insisting
on holding him (and at least this NICU allowed us to hold him without
permission, although we still needed their OK to feed him), although
certain nurses then viewed us as “difficult”. </span>
</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="en-US"><i><span style="font-size: large;">Similarly, when it
came to feeding, some nurses would come over beforehand and discuss
with us our options for the next feeding – should we try breast,
bottle, gavage, or what kind of combination of these methods? They
trusted that even though they were the medical professionals, we also
knew our baby as we spent all day with him, and could read his cues
regarding how awake and hungry he was at any given feeding. Others
would come over and tell us, without asking our input, that X method
was best for the next feeding, in particular treating me as difficult
if I insisted on trying even five minutes at the breast beforehand. I
was once chastised for taking my baby out of his incubator when he
woke up hungry a bit ahead of schedule and putting him to the breast,
figuring that it couldn’t hurt to do so while we waited for the
nurse to prepare his bottle anyway. Watching my baby root around
because he woke up 15 minutes ahead of schedule and not being allowed
to feed him seemed counter to any common sense about how to help a
baby whose principal health concern was his ability to eat.</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="en-US"><i><span style="font-size: large;">The very same doctor
mentioned above eventually let us in on the secret of the NICU, at
least when it comes to things like helping preemies develop and learn
to eat independently, rather than treating specific illnesses that
one sees in more serious cases; as she put it, “it is not an exact
science”. Frustrated by the gavage, which I worried left my son so
full that he did not feel enough hunger to work on his feeding, and
by the different approaches of the nurses to feeding him such that
our experience seemed to depend so much on the individual opinions of
whatever nurse was assigned to us on a given day, she admitted that
the process is very much subjective. She also said that the obsession
with him ingesting particular quantities was not evidence-based nor
actually particularly essential – they could tell if he was eating
enough the same way all parents of full-term babies do, through
diapers and weight gain – but rather it was a liability issue, i.e.
to have numbers on record to prove that the hospital had fed a baby
enough in case anything happened. So my stress about not pumping
enough, the formula, the dictatorial schedule with bottles all the
same amount - that was less about what was necessary and more about
making sure we couldn’t sue them were anything to go wrong.</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="en-US"><i><span style="font-size: large;">Our son got amazing,
attentive care in the NICU. But we were not prepared to navigate its
procedures, because who prepares to spend two weeks in the hospital
with a premature baby? After we were released, I read up about
<a href="http://www.midwiferytoday.com/articles/kangaroocare.asp">kangaroo
care for premature infants</a>, <a href="http://www.breastfeedinginc.ca/content.php?pagename=doc-BPB">about
best practices suggesting that the parents care for the baby as much
as possible, about how to encourage breastfeeding</a>, etc., and I
could see all the questions we could have asked and all the places
where we were not given the opportunity for informed consent (either
in terms of information or in terms of consenting). We got very, very
lucky when our son was discharged, because we happened to have a
nurse that day who really cared about breastfeeding, and faxed in a
referral for us for a breastfeeding clinic as well as asking the
doctor to give me a prescription for domperidone to help get my
supply up. I am not sure I would still be breastfeeding were it not
for her encouragement and those resources she pointed me to. People
like her helped us survive.</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;"><span lang="en-US">Nevertheless,
adjusting to home life after such a quantified experience of infant
care was rough. We were so happy to be home, away from the sound of
beeping monitors and able to feed and snuggle our baby whenever we
wanted. But as I texted to Lesley in the immediate days afterwards, I
felt like my “mother’s intuition” was broken. We were used to
looking at a monitor to make sure our son was breathing, rather than
looking at him (and trusting that he was probably breathing). We had
no idea how to wean him off the bottle to encourage him to take the
breast. It took me a couple of weeks to believe that he was getting
any milk at the breast at all. He did not know how to feed on demand.
All is well now, but it took a full five weeks to get back fully
breastfeeding, and to emerge from the path that the NICU had started
us on. </span>
</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="en-US"><i><span style="font-size: large;">Advocates for less
medicalized birthing and more natural parenting spend a lot of time
talking about “evidence-based” practices and the tendency of
large institutions to move slowly when adapting to research and to be
very conservative for reasons often more related to liability and
convenience rather than actual need. The NICU is, of course, a very
“medicalized” space by necessity, as it should be when it comes
to healing sick babies. But I should point out that parents of sicker
babies than ours probably need the transparency and compassion we
ached for even more than we did. Having had the experience of trying
to care for a healthy, just undercooked, baby in the NICU, it is so
hard to find the balance between the medical and the, well, normal.
It is clear he needed help learning how to eat, for example. But the
way in which he was given a gavage was confounding; not only was
there no informed consent, as I explained above, but it also felt
like they had created the problem (baby is being fed by tube) that we
now had to fix, which due to their systems, required a bottle. In
short, it felt like they broke him in order to fix him. In reflecting
on our experience, I have spent a lot of time thinking about what
more humane care for premature babies would look like – it is
obvious, for example, that it would involve babies rooming in with
parents and more real breastfeeding support (rather than mere
encouragement that it is a good idea) and less obsession with the
quantitative. It would allow for feeding on demand and parents doing
most of the care of their babies themselves. All of these things,
however, could not work in hospitals concerned with liability issues
and would require infinitely more resources; how could feeding on
demand work with busy nurses’ schedules? And how could there
possibly be enough rooms to allow parents to room in with babies? And
so for all my hard feelings about my experience, I get why NICUs are
the way they are; we are kind of stuck in the system that we have.</span></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;"><span lang="en-US">And so I am left
with this question of how parents can apply the ethos of gentle,
informed and respectful birthing practices to medicalized
environments like the NICU. We were so ready for birth and yet so
blindsided by what came after. How can you maintain your agency as a
parent and your right to care for your child when you find yourselves
unexpectedly hospitalized? And why is this experience staying with me
like it is? Life is great now; our son is healthy and, if you ask me,
perfect. And yet I still find myself thinking back to those early
nights, full of hormones, waiting to be given permission to hold my
son, trying to remind myself to look at him to see how he was doing
rather than at the monitor. Why was this experience so destabilizing?
</span>
</span></i></div>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span lang="en-US"><i><span style="font-size: large;">I am simultaneously
so grateful to the NICU for caring for him and getting us through his
prematurity and yet angry that we were often left out of the
decisions made about his care, and allowed so little room to maneuver
within that larger system. It is hard to balance that gratefulness
and that anger. I might feel differently had he been truly ill, but
we were in the strange position of having a totally healthy child and
yet having his care really quantified and medicalized nonetheless.
This was hard to negotiate and impossible to prepare for. What I am
left with is the same wish that many birthing advocates have for
laboring mothers; more transparency, more information, more concern
with giving parents agency and helping them make empowered decisions
about their babies. Even when things do not go as planned and we find
ourselves requiring medical intervention, it does not mean the
process needs to be so unkind and opaque. I wish I knew then what I
know now about caring for premature infants, but surely I shouldn’t
have needed to have prepared myself with mountains of research to
have had a more humane experience. Humanity in such stressful
situations should be the norm.</span></i></span></div>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059951273542374898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686997867572223504.post-32283584222002521412015-11-02T10:54:00.000-05:002015-11-11T21:54:03.343-05:005 Ways to Prevent Disappointment in the Delivery Room<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDEafY6PhqHdNL6VIbO5ErKmo7ukASBC5GD2ABJiqvu_DkEO8b1qBdnSRtu8tBPQ2bL2LCiRBSBQrwoCHm7jrTSQvD18Jb-So-gVVGO_IzfXqTw65RcG2yr5Nt7fZlPf8Uq5j32NOVdwbq/s1600/Depositphotos_11182229_original.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDEafY6PhqHdNL6VIbO5ErKmo7ukASBC5GD2ABJiqvu_DkEO8b1qBdnSRtu8tBPQ2bL2LCiRBSBQrwoCHm7jrTSQvD18Jb-So-gVVGO_IzfXqTw65RcG2yr5Nt7fZlPf8Uq5j32NOVdwbq/s320/Depositphotos_11182229_original.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">According
to studies cited by PATTCh, an organization dedicated to the
Prevention and Treatment of Traumatic Childbirth (</span></span><a href="http://www.pattch.org/"><span style="color: #420178;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><u>www.pattch.org)</u></span></span></a><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">,
25 to 34 per cent of women report that their births were traumatic.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Everyone
comes to the path of childbirth with different values, needs, and
desires. There are no two pregnant women alike. As
radically different as "ideal" birth dreams are from woman
to woman, most agree that the experience of birth matters to them.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: large;">But
what if birth goes differently from what you had hoped? </span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: large;">As
a doula and childbirth educator for over 22 years, I have seen some
of the hopes and dreams women nurture during pregnancy dashed
violently against the rocks of surprise.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Here
are five ways to approach your birth day that will decrease the
possibility of not only disappointment, but of avoidable trauma.
They will also potentially increase your chances of
feeling like a rock star about your birth.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>1)
Have Realistic Expectations</b></span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Upon
hearing women recount their birth stories, it is apparent that many
believe a labour that lasted 18 to 24 hours was long. In fact,
24 hours is normal for a first birth experience.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: large;"> <span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">It
will serve you better to expect your labour to be on the longer and
harder side. This will inspire you to mobilize some techniques
to help you pace yourself. Patience is a key element in coping
with labour. </span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: large;">When
your expectations meet the reality of a normal labour, you will not
react with fear or concern. You will be more prone to remain
relaxed, which actually helps you to labour more efficiently. It
tends to be psychologically easier on women to discover they are more
advanced in their labour than they thought (providing they are in an
environment that feels safe to them). </span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: large;">If
you expect your body will open according to a formula that can be
dictated by an app, believing that times of contractions go according
to a dependable curve and can predict how close to full dilation and
delivery you are, you could potentially a) think you are WAY farther
along than you actually are, which is mojo crushing news to hear when
labour is intense, or b) birth in the car.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: large;">A
clock or an app can never tell you when your baby will arrive. You
will very likely know when it is time to take labour seriously
because your body will tell you.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>2)
Prepare for the Unexpected</b></span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: large;">It
is a good idea to have some solid coping skills under your belt in
order to meet whatever labour throws at you with confidence.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: large;">You
may not end up with the natural birth you'd hoped for. You could give
birth too quickly to get that epidural you wanted. Or, you
unfortunately find your epidural doesn't work quite the way you
thought it would. You may not have read the chapter in your birth
books on Cesarean, end up needing one, and experience more anxiety
than necessary because you didn't have an idea of what to expect. </span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Take
good, unbiased, evidence-based prenatal classes that respect personal
choice and furnish you with simple labour coping techniques. Know
your options at your place of birth (including for your contingency
plans), because without clearly understanding what is available to
you and what your rights are, your options are limited.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Leaving
it all up to chance with an "it will be what it will be, the
experts will decide everything" attitude can deny you the
opportunity to truly own your experience. I have found this
approach to have a higher likelihood of leading to disappointment and
trauma.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Practice
your breathing and relaxation, which can be applied to any birth
situation, expected or not. Ensure your birth partner knows
some good massage techniques to help with comfort. Be open to
everything and attached to nothing. Stay centred. </span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>3)
Find Your Centre</b></span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: large;">At
the end of the day, no matter how you end up at the big moment of
delivery, it is often the baby who decides how they need to come into
the world. </span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: large;">You
can indeed influence the quality of your birth experience with good
diet, good prenatal care, good prenatal education, and a positive
attitude which affirms that the normal birth process generally works
magnificently. But you cannot control the outcome. It is
ultimately a mystery.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: large;">What
you can do, is practice having some mastery over your responses to
what is going on inside you and around you. You can start now.
When something hurts or gets on your nerves, take a deep breath
and repeat to yourself "Nothing can disturb my peace,"
until you actually feel anchored to the changeless peace that rests
beneath every experience. Think of it like being the whole
ocean instead of just the waves.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: large;">This
way, you learn to discern that whatever is going on in your field of
experience is just one small part of any given moment, and it too
shall pass. Being centred helps you to refrain from jumping
down the rabbit hole of fear and tension in response to the
challenges labour provides. This will serve you as you work through
the sensations of your birth experience, as well as in difficult
parenting moments.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Your
ability to access this centre is the greatest tool to have when
contractions start coming on strong, or waves of anxiety threaten to
crash in on the day of your planned C-section. </span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Being
centred doesn't mean you will behave with Zen like calm. It
just means that while you're coping with labour in whatever way you
do (yelling being a perfectly valid way), you feel connected to a
source of inner strength and self-trust.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>4)
Trust Yourself</b></span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Having
witnessed hundreds of births, I can tell you that in pregnancy,
birth, and motherhood, women often develop uncanny intuition when it
comes to their bodies and their babies. They may doubt it, as
intuition is not something we as a culture have a lot of practice
validating within ourselves, but it is there nonetheless. </span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: large;">As
a young pregnant woman, I was amazed at how intuitive I felt about my
needs for birth. I am glad I trusted them, as I sense my birth
experiences would have turned out differently had I not.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: large;">As
a mother of four, I rely a lot on my gut when it comes to making
parenting decisions, and you will too</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: large;">As
you and your baby are a symbiotic unit, it isn't a stretch of the
imagination to realize there is a deep connection between the two of
you, and can lend to your having insider information about what is
best for your situation.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>5)
Get Support</b></span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Ensure
the people you have on your birth team know what you want, what your
greatest concerns are, and are prepared to stand by your wishes
whenever possible. They should take time to address your
questions and concerns, listen to you, explain your options, and
support your choices. </span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="color: black;">The
Cochrane Review, a well known medical journal states: "</span><span style="color: black;">Continuous
support in labour increased the chance of a spontaneous vaginal
birth....and women were more satisfied." </span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Support
can come in the form of a friend, a family member, or a professional
doula who is trained and experienced in providing information,
comfort measures, and empathetic guidance to women and their partners
throughout labour and delivery. </span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">Having
felt supported, heard, understood, loved, and upheld as active
participants in their decision making process wherever possible is
what women report helped them feel good about their birth
experiences...even if they didn't go as expected.</span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 0.58cm; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 1;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibFSFUGh7N49kd5dkhh18OM6B1TUZKgMWL1g3S4ISOIrZT_ZkwD7BVkFVPXsOMEE52i24C7RfYAGTwp_TuOTBIN09UniVd2qWxGJ6XAuB8BTUz8nV9T9hiABzSTHyNtbsyTxiclFrut9_c/s1600/Depositphotos_6452386_original.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibFSFUGh7N49kd5dkhh18OM6B1TUZKgMWL1g3S4ISOIrZT_ZkwD7BVkFVPXsOMEE52i24C7RfYAGTwp_TuOTBIN09UniVd2qWxGJ6XAuB8BTUz8nV9T9hiABzSTHyNtbsyTxiclFrut9_c/s400/Depositphotos_6452386_original.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></div>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: large;">On
the day your little bundle of joy arrives, it is my greatest hope
that you feel like a rock star...no matter what! Because your
birth experience truly matters.</span></div>
</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059951273542374898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686997867572223504.post-21291808220397360812015-10-17T22:56:00.000-04:002015-10-17T23:26:33.881-04:00The Heart of Grace: Pregnancy and Infant Loss<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhS7HSonudUib1LAEWb9_yEy_qzMkKyg2YtIH18DqfIuGhZFLn_BQUpDStIzlzOvR_k_YjtwyxyDbbMsDOvHMRz8OF3qfFI4Kulz2Z7dklQ974yZpmvySRAzznx4I2V6Z20GVeuTC-zH7Wp/s1600/Depositphotos_68694007_original.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhS7HSonudUib1LAEWb9_yEy_qzMkKyg2YtIH18DqfIuGhZFLn_BQUpDStIzlzOvR_k_YjtwyxyDbbMsDOvHMRz8OF3qfFI4Kulz2Z7dklQ974yZpmvySRAzznx4I2V6Z20GVeuTC-zH7Wp/s320/Depositphotos_68694007_original.jpg" width="214" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">As a doula with over two decades experience, an inter-spiritual minister, and one who supports the dying, I have held space for the grieving of early and late pregnancy loss. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">There are times my support has been in the moment and in person, emotions ranging from disappointment and sadness to the keening of shock and soul shattering grief as a baby lies still in its mother's arms. It has at times been over the phone because a doctor referred someone to me for emotional support. It has been at times listening to a friend, student, or client discuss a recent or long ago loss. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Each story of pregnancy loss is woven into the intricate patterns of the exquisite fabric of women's reproductive lives, into the stories of Family. Each is a reminder, some poignant, some resentful, and some unreconciled, of the Mystery of life's unfolding.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">It is always humbling to be invited to bear witness to an account of a parent's experience of loss. Loss expresses itself in a myriad of ways. Sometimes it is quiet and gentle. Sometimes it is fierce and raw. I have found it best to be with exactly how it is for that parent, and to simply breathe into the moment, hollowing out my being, so that I may serve as a vessel of compassion and empathy.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">When sitting with someone who is losing or who has lost the child they've conceived, there is little to say. I have given up trying to find the words that will heal. Because there aren't any. There are no pretty words to ease a grieving mama's heart. The space we hold for the unburdening of these maternal feelings is best filled with our listening presence. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">"<span style="background-color: white; color: green; font-family: Verdana; text-align: -webkit-right;">Listening is the oldest and perhaps the most powerful tool of healing.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: green; font-family: Verdana; font-size: large; text-align: -webkit-right;">It is often through the quality of our listening and not the wisdom of </span><span style="background-color: white; color: green; font-family: Verdana; font-size: large; text-align: -webkit-right;">our words that we are able to effect the </span><span style="background-color: white; color: green; font-family: Verdana; font-size: large; text-align: -webkit-right;">most profound changes in </span><span style="background-color: white; color: green; font-family: Verdana; font-size: large; text-align: -webkit-right;">the people around us. When we listen, we offer with our attention</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: green; font-family: Verdana; font-size: large; text-align: -webkit-right;">an opportunity for wholeness. Our listening creates sanctuary for </span><span style="background-color: white; color: green; font-family: Verdana; font-size: large; text-align: -webkit-right;">the homeless parts within the other person. That which has been denied,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: green; font-family: Verdana; font-size: large; text-align: -webkit-right;">unloved, devalued by themselves and others. That which is hidden."</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">-Rachel Naomi Remen</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">The loss that occurs in late pregnancy, during birth, or just afterwards is an unspeakably painful thing for the parents, as well as for those who love them. Even for those who are just acquaintances or have heard of the loss through the grapevine, feelings can be complicated and uncomfortable. Eyes are lowered, we often don't know what to say, and we are generally quite unskilled as a society at communicating with bereaved parents.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I heard it once said that there are terms for people who have lost partners ("widow" and "widower") and for children who have lost their parents ("orphans"), but there isn't one widely known word for a parent who has lost a child...perhaps because it is a grief society can little bear to even think of. But our not addressing loss keeps us unskilled, to the detriment of the parents. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">A few years ago, a wonderful woman I see regularly for self-care services was pregnant, and we would talk animatedly about birth whenever I went for a visit. Then one day I learned from one of her co-workers that she had lost that baby very late in her pregnancy. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I am a doula, for Pete's sake, with experience of loss support, and even I found it hard to go back to her place of work again knowing this elephant would be in the room between us, and would grow more insistent with each passing moment it was left unacknowledged. But how to acknowledge it? Leave it on her shoulders? Bring it up myself?</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"> I experienced a deeper understanding of how those who are frightened of this kind of encounter could squirm with discomfort at the idea of having to talk to a grieving mother and not know what to say. I could imagine what might go through their minds if they were in my shoes. "What if I open the floodgates of pain and we all get caught in the deluge of overwhelming emotion?" "What if she gets mad at me for saying anything? Or worse, for NOT saying anything, even though it it clear she doesn't have a baby in her belly anymore?" "What if I say the wrong thing?" "I just can't deal with her, so it's best to ignore her and tell her I've been busy if I run into her." "Maybe I should just change service providers." </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Staying away from the grieving is something some people choose, because they just can't deal with the potential for intense and overwhelming emotions and the fear of messing up. While I can understand that impetus, knowing it comes from fear and not a lack of caring, it certainly doesn't help to ostracize grieving parents. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I made an appointment and went to see this woman as usual. She walked into the room, appearing pale and subdued. It was clear she was uncomfortable too. I was a doula she had shared intimate details of her pregnancy with, and she was no longer with child. She knew that her clients had been informed about what had happened, according to her own instructions, but that didn't make encountering people any easier. I took her wrist, looked her in the eyes, took a deep breath, screwed up my courage to take the risk and said, "I heard you lost your baby. I don't have words for how sorry I am." I am sure there are some mothers who would have preferred to not have me bring up the baby and announce the death themselves themselves. But because the "rule book" is so complicated and conflicting, at some point we have to listen to our hearts for the answer how to approach and take a risk.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"> The elephant in the room shrank and shrank as I simply listened to the story that wanted to come out in a presence that was committed to only listening. There were tears of sorrow from both of us. She told me her child's name, told me about the birth experience, told me the things people said to her she didn't like ("Your baby is in a better place," "God wanted your baby back as an angel," "You're young and healthy, you can have another baby."), expressed her anger that her place of work was holding a baby shower for a co-worker who was pregnant and that she couldn't take it... and so many other things.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">To this day, years later, she tells me little things about her child, about the box she has of keepsakes she hasn't yet opened. It hurts to talk about that baby. But for her and for many, it hurts more not to.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">One of my favourite books on late pregnancy loss is a memoir called An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination by Elizabeth McCracken. It was given to me by an amazing client of mine whose first baby was born still, and whom I supported throughout the pregnancy and birth of her beautiful Rainbow Baby. This woman and this author provided me with such insight into the uniqueness of the experiences infant loss.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Early pregnancy loss is an experience many women go through. And it saddens me how little honour there is for the time it can take for many to heal from these losses. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">For one, many people assume that just because it's an early-ish loss, it's not a big deal compared to a later loss. That is certainly not the case for a lot of women. A women discovering she had a blighted ovum can experience tremendous grief, because once the dream of a baby has infused a woman's heart, she has often identified herself as a mother-to-be. The loss of the dream of a baby can be profoundly heartbreaking. It is not for anyone else to prescribe how long a grief "should" last with regards to an earlier loss or the loss of what she thought was a conceived life.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Another example of the general lack of honour our culture has for early pregnancy loss, is with regard to what miscarrying women experience in the hospital, which I've often heard described as a nightmare. When she starts bleeding and/or cramping and goes to the hospital, she often has to wait for many hours in emergency to be seen. An early loss is not generally considered a medical emergency, but for the parents can definitely be an emotional emergency of epic proportion. Coping with terror, shock, grief and raw vulnerability as she bleeds and hurts in a room full of people waiting to see a doctor is traumatizing for many women and their partners.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">If, during a routine ultrasound it is discovered the little heart has stopped beating, mothers are often given medication to get the process going after a certain amount of time has gone by. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard women say this was one of the most painful, distressing experiences of their lives. In my experience a lot of women are not told about this possibility, and suffer not only from the pain itself, but from the terror that something might be terribly terribly wrong with them as they rush to emergency. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Many women these days don't tell people about their early pregnancies, waiting for them to feel more established because they perhaps don't want to have to deal with the often insensitive comments well meaning people might make if the pregnancy miscarries ("it wasn't meant to be" "Nature knows best" "at least it was early"), and the painful explanation she has to make if someone asks how far along she is now. Others tell people about their new pregnancies right away, not because they are expecting with blind faith all will be well, but because they feel like they would be very open to explaining about their loss and receiving support from their friends, family, and coworkers if loss were to happen. The point is, these are very personal choices, to be supported without judgement. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">The demands of work and life can press upon women who have had early losses with oppressive force. Many women grieve profoundly, and are met with a lack of understanding of the depth of their grief. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I have had several women call me after an early loss who wanted reassurance they were going to be able to go back to work and function normally in a couple of days, worried their grief would overwhelm them and make their productivity at work suffer, thus leading to the potential loss of their job. The fact that there is a worry about a lack of understanding and a potential penalization for grief over the loss of a pregnancy is saddening.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Everyone has such unique needs and concerns to unburden, all of them valid. To be able to express them is often more important than any answer the listener can provide. These women's questions about the length of their grieving and its impact upon their work life were certainly not anything I could answer for them. To try to have interpreted or shaped their experiences would have been inappropriate. But I could listen as they worked it out themselves, and that seemed to help. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I have experienced more than once a mother who has lost a child at some stage of pregnancy have a strong desire to share, when she felt safe with the people in her presence, an image she had captured of her lifeless baby (whether it looked like a developed baby or not). I cannot tell you how deeply I have been moved by witnessing a group of women passing around the image, and kissing it with the blessing of loving hearts and mama tears, not looking upon death with shock or horror, but with honour for that mother for having carried that very child. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">In my experience, I have seen some of the most profound healing emerge from within a circle of compassionate women providing peer support for each other. This is why pregnancy and infant loss support groups can be such powerful resources, which I highly recommend for those who are grieving loss. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">There is a softness which binds us gently together in moments of heart shattering empathy when we come together in community with an intention to heal. When we trust that all of our feelings are welcome into the circle, courageously expose the soft underbellies of our grief to the loving, listening hearts of those who hold us without judgement, acceptance being mirrored back to us in every pair of eyes we look into, we discover the meaning of grace. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">"I tell you this</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to break your heart,</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">by which I mean only</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">that it break open and never close again</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to the rest of the world."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">-Mary Oliver</span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059951273542374898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686997867572223504.post-69052458927024802492015-09-29T15:25:00.003-04:002015-10-30T18:01:36.851-04:00Mr. Clean and Me: My Pregnant Love Affair<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhC_IP4syg-5qGh93Ws1sME9CafLANYBenxquqiCaeUJHNLWzKrfKcQLUARdyYEAZyIaVj5TBdWksMiIybx3ht1GD0xvBQrg1Ipu56Vl41wNx3wae3kFcaGKEYZY1PhkDszXxL-F0FrTjwx/s1600/Depositphotos_8937197_original.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhC_IP4syg-5qGh93Ws1sME9CafLANYBenxquqiCaeUJHNLWzKrfKcQLUARdyYEAZyIaVj5TBdWksMiIybx3ht1GD0xvBQrg1Ipu56Vl41wNx3wae3kFcaGKEYZY1PhkDszXxL-F0FrTjwx/s320/Depositphotos_8937197_original.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am not known across the land for my general housekeeping skills. Let's just say, I'll never make the cover of "Good Housekeeping"....unless I am pregnant! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">While normally disorganized in the realm of maintaining an orderly home, I'm a total dynamo when I am with child! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I would get up in the morning when pregnant with my firstborn and have a cleaning schedule that involved dusting, washing base boards, and mopping, things I normally don't pay much attention to until I have to rescue someone who has gotten stuck to my floor. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm not exaggerating when I say that at night while winding down before bed, I would crave the smell and feel of pristine white porcelain. I'd sneak into my bathroom just to run my hand along the tiles and sink, relishing in the untarnished gleam I'd created by polishing them within an inch of their lives.</span><br />
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<b style="color: magenta;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Every time I got pregnant, my husband would say, "Oh, yay, the house is going to be so clean!"</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It seems that soon after birth, however, the hormones shift, and housekeeping loses its appeal, the dust bunnies once again free to reproduce under my bed.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFn6iJihZciB6eaWInpeG8GzDM0dopxu2BSN8fRCiZDfpfGo86B678dqi_kROcr__8hIeGpKEqK7jwPLT_xKttz2c1U-Id1fTJxF5u8p3X4hc0nzkS8cVP6LVxbOsgQDPVXmT-b6zKTR86/s1600/8c1b08a1ca8132339c60ba59194215ea.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="252" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFn6iJihZciB6eaWInpeG8GzDM0dopxu2BSN8fRCiZDfpfGo86B678dqi_kROcr__8hIeGpKEqK7jwPLT_xKttz2c1U-Id1fTJxF5u8p3X4hc0nzkS8cVP6LVxbOsgQDPVXmT-b6zKTR86/s320/8c1b08a1ca8132339c60ba59194215ea.jpg" width="320" /></span></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Aside from becoming a bonafide clean freak when pregnant, I developed a bionic nose. A lot of women report this, but I think mine operated at a startling level. Even though this is so counter-intuitive for a pregnant person who is supposed to eschew toxic chemicals, I fell madly in love with the smell of cleaning fluids. Not the fluffy, eco-friendly, gentle-enough-to-eat products. Oh no. My nose liked the really harsh ones. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I could be set off into paroxysms of olfactory bliss by the merest whiff of a floor freshly washed with Mr. Clean. If I got anywhere near a big ol' soapy bucket full of hot water and cleaning product, I had fantasies of swimming naked in it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I knew these products weren't good for me or my baby, so whiffs were guilty little hits I got unintentionally from other peoples' homes.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If our paths had crossed outside of a laundromat, you may have noticed a look of ecstasy on my face and my feet floating above the earth at the sheer bliss of the warm, scented wafts of fabric softener. To my non-pregnant nose, fabric softener reeks of bug spray. </span><br />
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<span style="color: magenta; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>It wasn't just cleaning products, either, that triggered this scent related glee. </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The bike repair shop owner near my place must have wondered why this very pregnant woman would step into his place of business every day, take several large whiffs, then skulk out sheepishly. It was the smell of WD40 I was after. And don't get me started on gas stations! The tantalizing fragrance of gasoline when we pulled in to fuel up had me bewitched.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As we know, smell is related to how we experience flavour. When pregnant, it felt like my taste buds were on steroids. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I use to be a card carrying member of the "I Hate Cilantro" Club. If there were remnants of the foul green stuff on my food in a restaurant, I couldn't eat it. Cilantro made me angry. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And then my third kid was conceived. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Like a switch flipping on in the taste centre of my brain, I began to crave the smell and taste of cilantro with a mighty passion. I couldn't get enough. I put that stuff in everything. I wanted to wear it as a necklace so I could smell it and nibble it throughout the day. Oddly, though giving birth took the edge off my nearly obscene love of cilantro, to this day it remains my favourite culinary herb.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As high as the highs were in my pregnant experiences of smell and taste, the lows were just as intense. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I got pregnant with my second kid, before I even knew he was in there, I developed a strong desire to bake my own organic rye bread. Don't ask me why, I have no idea, but I did. I went to an organic co-op and bought a bag of rye flakes with the intention of creating magnificent loafs. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I got home, I opened the bag to smell it,<span style="color: magenta;"> </span><b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: magenta;">expecting something tantamount to an olfactory orgasm</span>.</span></b> But no! Like a slap in the face, the smell of the rye flakes triggered a nausea deep within that was practically existential. I tossed the bag wildly into the cupboard and ran away to hide under the bed covers until my husband came home to remove the offending object. I whimpered pathetically until he assured me it was gone. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To this very day 21 years later, the mental image of that poor innocent bag of rye sitting forlornly in the cupboard makes me feel ill. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I was pregnant with kid #4, I discovered a gorgeous white tulip growing in a neighbour's yard. It was so pretty and inviting, that my pregnant nose couldn't resist going over to sample whatever delectable scent it might have to offer. I buried my nose in, breathed in deeply... and almost dropped to my knees from the wall of stench that hit me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That devious little tulip was evil. I can only describe its smell being as if something had crawled inside it and died. My family couldn't figure out why I found it so offensive when they smelled it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Even weirder, was that it smelled SO bad, <span style="color: magenta;"> <b><span style="font-size: large;">I couldn't stop myself </span></b></span>from sniffing it every time I walked by, just to reassure myself that it really was as horrific as I had remembered it. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />It has been ten years since I've had a baby of my own, but my work as a doula gives me plenty of opportunity to enjoy quirky stories of how pregnancy literally messes with the senses. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Pregnancy can be weird. Enjoy!</span><br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059951273542374898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686997867572223504.post-23470946664975970072015-09-05T11:37:00.000-04:002015-09-05T11:37:02.790-04:00Doulas are not a Luxury "How Doulas Have A Huge, Positive Impact On C-Section Rates"<div style="color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 6px;">
"What our study showed is that [lower odds of a C-section] don't come with wanting a doula; it's having a doula that is actually associated with important and substantial risk reductions," Kozhimannil said.</div>
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The cost of hiring a doula for people without private insurance is often prohibitive. And yet given the on-call time, unpredictable length of time away, skills used, cost of training, materials, childcare, administration etc. that goes into the work, doulas cannot give th<span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;">eir services away as a rule and have a sustainable career. They cannot have full time jobs and do this "on the side", given the demands upon availability. It takes a tremendous commitment of time, energy, and money to be a birth worker.</span></div>
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Theses statistics show that doulas are not just a luxury for those who can afford it, but a service that can actually bring healing to an overburdened healthcare system, as well as have a wide reaching positive impact upon the experience of birth. </div>
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How are some ways doula work can become more accessible to all birthing women while respecting our needs for adequate remuneration? </div>
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I am a Canadian doula and this article is American, but it is still relevant.</div>
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Awareness of the impact of birth upon new parenthood and beyond also needs to be increased. When people haven't yet gone through birth, they may not know to prioritize the birth experience as something to invest in. How many mothers I speak to, years after birth, tear up and say, "I wish I had known about you when I was having my baby?"</div>
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Doulas are underutilized, and the general population of birthing folks who want doulas are under-served.</div>
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<a class="embedly-card" href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/29/doula-benefits_n_5730720.html">How Doulas Substantially Lower The Rate Of C-Sections In The U.S.</a></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059951273542374898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686997867572223504.post-33623479222443549532015-09-02T19:13:00.001-04:002015-09-02T23:56:59.472-04:00Confessions of a Wildly Successful Doula<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPs-dGzJ1lKhEnCGQ-H1zV2CEwnBfhJVDN3no7nLP1_F9LGvVIE387xSGUh3joZ5aCzjv-3f9YFGE6Ip-X95Sknbl2H5atNX8wjdvxxhy3UZd8dydJRdAKHEQdrS1P8nV_A8IU5iFq1hhX/s1600/lesley.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPs-dGzJ1lKhEnCGQ-H1zV2CEwnBfhJVDN3no7nLP1_F9LGvVIE387xSGUh3joZ5aCzjv-3f9YFGE6Ip-X95Sknbl2H5atNX8wjdvxxhy3UZd8dydJRdAKHEQdrS1P8nV_A8IU5iFq1hhX/s1600/lesley.jpg" /></a>My name is Lesley Everest, and I am a wildly successful doula.<br />
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Success means different things to different people. When I speak of success, I don't mean that I've struck it rich and dash off on a private jet to exotic vacation spots whenever I want. I honour that may sound like success to others, and if that's your definition, awesome! If that were given to me, I wouldn't say "no".<br />
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Success, though, to me, means looking upon the things I have experienced, at the trajectory my future appears to be taking, and being very pleased with what I see. It is also about knowing that whatever happens, nothing can disturb my peace.<br />
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I want it to be clear that I share my success not with any intention to crow about it. I am not any more special than any other doula out there. I am no more or less deserving than anyone else. I share this because I want you to feel amazing about your achievements, wherever you are on your path, and honour yourself for all you have done. It is my hope that by owning your magnificence exactly as you are right now and shining in gratitude for what you already have, you open to the blessings wanting to pour into and out of you. May this inspire you to walk forward fearlessly on your path.<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGscG4Twl5HGgnG25vA_ZIrZvmjNXUDLWjR0NqT4pb4t6wZ5vYRdQLB0B-4NINq7EFBTnv-sX0FI5zhfYpV2JtMlmehkUWbivi36qpn7jqPLeyI1nmjxOEoGcKypAOxPV6fxXZ5woSX7sP/s1600/MotherWit-Pic3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGscG4Twl5HGgnG25vA_ZIrZvmjNXUDLWjR0NqT4pb4t6wZ5vYRdQLB0B-4NINq7EFBTnv-sX0FI5zhfYpV2JtMlmehkUWbivi36qpn7jqPLeyI1nmjxOEoGcKypAOxPV6fxXZ5woSX7sP/s1600/MotherWit-Pic3.jpg" /></a><br />
I became a doula in 1993, having been informally studying midwifery for a year or so. I was 24. I had a little daughter. There was nowhere to train here in Montreal at the time. As an English speaker from the Canadian Prairies, there was not much available to me educationally within the primarily French speaking province of Quebec. I can get by in French (shyly and painfully), but my passion for all things birth was so fierce, I wanted to ensure I understood everything clearly.<br />
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I was already a member of La Leche League, on my way to becoming a leader. The seeds of the immense value inherent in good community support were sown early on my path by my mentors Melissa and Susanna. These kind, strong, knowledgeable, experienced mothers gently supported my unfolding as I began to shape my path in mama/baby/family care. To this day I owe my approach of supporting people exactly where they are, not where I think they "should", be to these amazing La Leche League Leaders.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1Re8ecj4skLNZ26m30xCGSS7eF9tDYbJFeSxSLLrS3BfjKgFDHgMufKhMuexp0LzIVkeqwT34pdJzoBMkqf-LGWUTFryH34VwtmMlcFbcdascQe3Za7-uMmfSbRhmMvp2pI40lkr9XqnL/s1600/melissa+lesley.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1Re8ecj4skLNZ26m30xCGSS7eF9tDYbJFeSxSLLrS3BfjKgFDHgMufKhMuexp0LzIVkeqwT34pdJzoBMkqf-LGWUTFryH34VwtmMlcFbcdascQe3Za7-uMmfSbRhmMvp2pI40lkr9XqnL/s320/melissa+lesley.jpg" width="258" /></a></div>
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I was very much wanting to become a midwife, and believed doula training would be a great stepping stone towards that goal. I read in a birth related magazine (I had no computer and had never heard of the Internet at that time) about a doula training that would be happening a few hours travel from me in Boston. I decided to pack up my family (my husband agreed to stay near the training to mind our still breastfeeding toddler) and take the weekend workshop. Less than a month later, I put out my shingle and began going to births.<br />
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Being a La Leche League-er and part of a thriving baby-having and breastfeeding community, I got plenty of opportunity to serve as a doula. La Leche League has a strong "no advertisement" policy, so I was mindful to not promote my services to anyone within meetings. But if in private conversation with the pregnant women they asked what I did for a living, I told them. If they felt like my presence was something that would be helpful to them in labour, they would call me privately. I volunteered with the Teenage Mother's Association through the YWCA for some of my first few clients as well. I never advertised my services anywhere. I would just talk to everyone I met about the work I did, and found people were responsive. Nobody had ever heard of a doula before where I lived. I was a mother very active in my community, and my presence, combined with my training and growing experience, were my calling cards. Because I didn't actually have any business cards at the time.<br />
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Over the years, I gave birth to more children. I homeschooled the first two in their early years, and attended births on a small scale. We had very little money at the time, so doula work was an important part of our income. But being home as much as possible with my kids was a priority.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrbTcI1RkPuhs9sIr87YnMpHfH7qjl92iQeEtIfsjUpl5c8RxZxFT07JuFFN3QPVAXbGCWHHJCkoN6unXVbQHynI2FhQVSom-GDrHlIgIPEzPz9XUc-xedsYecCu0Y18fVO-MFr99Or5aF/s1600/lesley+baby+kk.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="248" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrbTcI1RkPuhs9sIr87YnMpHfH7qjl92iQeEtIfsjUpl5c8RxZxFT07JuFFN3QPVAXbGCWHHJCkoN6unXVbQHynI2FhQVSom-GDrHlIgIPEzPz9XUc-xedsYecCu0Y18fVO-MFr99Or5aF/s320/lesley+baby+kk.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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I immersed myself in education. Committing to doula work for me meant being able learn all I could. With breastfeeding little ones, I was fortunate to find continuing education trainings I could bring babies to, or ones that weren't far from my home so I could minimize my time away. My husband was always supportive of the fact that even though we didn't have a lot to spare, I always reinvested some of my earnings back into education. In fact on weekend intensives he would bring the nurslings to lunch times and breaks. I knew education was something that would enrich my doula work immeasurably, and was willing to pay for it. That meant for a few years I barely bought so much as a sock for myself, nor read anything that wasn't a textbook, but given how that has paid off, I don't regret it a bit.<br />
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I didn't just want to be a doula, I wanted to bring a healing perspective to what I experienced was a very challenged birth culture. I wanted to do that one mother, father, and baby at a time by supporting births that made the family feel powerful. I have always believed Western Medicine is a wonderful thing, but I could see how some of its shadow side sometimes impacted birth in a negative way. <br />
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Of course, as a young doula without the benefit of Internet and supportive global connection to wise and experienced doulas back then, I had formed a lot of opinions about what a good birth was. I only had books and my community's experience to go on. I was genuinely confused as to why anyone would want to have a baby in a hospital if they were healthy. It took time, experience, and growth to develop a non-judgmental approach to birth that came from my heart, and wasn't just a slogan in my mind.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBA30p0HWi3xMUg5D9DB1QMBJWEFFixg-MxCQY9450MKbACAlm-09HsZgMr5nbEBu6W2pF8stYB7T5imrwkpCIiBcqprgZ3QMRPBtRax6RdVRDTg0G4Khftgx4H6IA4uMO57Qf5ieBRN1Y/s1600/lesley+fleur.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBA30p0HWi3xMUg5D9DB1QMBJWEFFixg-MxCQY9450MKbACAlm-09HsZgMr5nbEBu6W2pF8stYB7T5imrwkpCIiBcqprgZ3QMRPBtRax6RdVRDTg0G4Khftgx4H6IA4uMO57Qf5ieBRN1Y/s320/lesley+fleur.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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I was constantly learning in the early years. I couldn't get enough. I still can't! I became an accredited La Leche League Leader, working with my accreditation supervisor through lengthy hand written correspondences, often writing in the wee hours between bouts of tandem nursing.<br />
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I studied and certified as a Polarity Therapy Practitioner over a period of 3 years, which is a form of energy based healing that encompasses hands-on bodywork (much of it cranial/sacral based), nutritional support, exercise guidance, and dialoguing with the client about their emotional process throughout the session. I did a three year professional training in Psychosynthesis Psychotherapy, which is a transpersonal approach to counseling. <br />
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I was fascinated with the mind/body connection in birthing! I also learned about aromatherapy from an Ayurvedic perspective and became obsessed with essential oils, read everything I could about Ayurvedic healing and massage (having learned some massage from Ayurvedic practitioners), and eventually traveled to North Carolina to certify in Pre- and Perinatal Massage with the outstanding Carol Osborne. I've done workshops in Thai Yoga Massage for Pregnancy and continuing education classes in Cranial/Sacral Therapy.<br />
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All the while, I still attended births in the capacity I could given all that was going on with bustling family life. I had all the births I wanted. .<br />
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Finally, when my third child was old enough to go to Kindergarten, I said, "Okay, Universe. Let's do this." I was at this time working with an amazing partner for backup, and things took off. My partner Rivka and I developed a doula training in response to all the hard ways we had had to learn the ins and outs of doula work on our own due to lacks in our own personal doula trainings. We made some beautiful magic together. Home computers and Internet were now in most households, and the ability to email revolutionized communication. Suddenly, I didn't have to search my library of books for answers to questions. Everything was at my fingertips. <br />
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It was at about this time I got my first cell phone. No more calling my answering machine at home to check my messages from a pay phone every time I was out for more than an hour! I had a pager, but I learned that it didn't notify me of pages if I was in the Metro. I got to know where every phone booth in town was, and was always jingling with pockets full of change.<br />
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I was so in love with hands on bodywork that I applied to a school of osteopathy in Toronto. I was accepted, but then found out I was pregnant with baby number 4. Knowing that monthly travel to Toronto for five days at a time over five years was going to impossible with a new kid, I had to turn down my acceptance. I was still so pumped to learn more bodywork, so I began my studies in Kinetic Swedish massage locally. I continued attending births and passed my clinical requirements with flying colours just a couple weeks before I gave birth. I had to make up classes on occasion because of births taking me away, but my instructors were always very supportive.<br />
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I took a short break from doula work to have my baby, and began attending births again as well as continued training Montreal doulas just a few months after birthing my son (I brought him to class with me). I wasn't happy going to births then, though. It was hard for me to support other moms and babies when all I wanted to do was be with my baby. But with a family of six and a mortgage, I had to work. I remember crying in the bathroom with aching breasts, wanting my baby so much. It wasn't until he was about 3 years old that I felt okay about leaving him for those long hours. In spite of my feelings, however, my son thrived with the loving attention from the rest of his family, and he was fine with it. But if I could do those few years over again, I would have done a shared call service. There were just not experienced doulas with that kind of availability in town I could have that with at the time.<br />
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As the years passed I got busier and busier. Five year ago I decided that I wanted to end my doula partnership and begin an agency. I was tired of turning so much business away because I was only one person with a handful of backups, so I figured I would build a community of doulas and be able to have a wider reach of service, as well as receive a percentage of the revenue I dispatched to others. I didn't know of any other agencies at the time.<br />
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What I realize now was that births were becoming more plentiful because my partner and I had been training more doulas, and they were going out into the world and spreading the message, getting the word out. The more trained doulas there were, the more work was coming in. The Internet also was a great help to the promotion of doula work.<br />
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My friend Sue had done a standard two day doula training and had found it great in many ways, but lacking in others. She is delightfully straightforward, and told me that she had a large gorgeous home to provide, and that she wanted to learn from me and would do whatever it took to make that happen. I took the elements of the doula training I had previously taught that were of my creation, and from there birthed a whole new training. It was retreat style. For six days and nights we talked, ate, and slept birth. The attendees affectionately called it doula camp. The women in the training inspired me to get my agency going in a very real way, to organize, and to bring bring my now years of experience to the world. They had so much to give, and I wanted to make sure they could do so with good return.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbRxFR9HL4zKH0RB3y3hpIPKR7IkiwWGcFE2UwDraEqI713FupyNKjG6LYv84wO3sD08qTOV47ZQWJx0l5ZVMr2aBj4xvqLG8qG5l0YzVTyRsc6MD9XXzkaCkVzFuLvtyujhauOMuhohTZ/s1600/MW+Team.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbRxFR9HL4zKH0RB3y3hpIPKR7IkiwWGcFE2UwDraEqI713FupyNKjG6LYv84wO3sD08qTOV47ZQWJx0l5ZVMr2aBj4xvqLG8qG5l0YzVTyRsc6MD9XXzkaCkVzFuLvtyujhauOMuhohTZ/s320/MW+Team.jpg" width="240" /></a>In November 2010, I plucked the willing ladies with whom I felt a deep connection and added them to a couple of amazing women I had trained in the past who were interested in working with me. I found a loft space for us as a headquarters, and MotherWit was officially born. I have used the MotherWit name for my own personal business for most of my career, but now it was an<br />
organization.<br />
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It has been almost five years we've been together, losing and gaining a few members along the way, and I am so very proud of us!<br />
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I took several doulas with little to no hands-on experience and built the doula community I wanted to see. Within not even five years, our little MotherWit Doula Care company has attended around 700 births. We are a linguistic minority, serving mostly the English speaking population of Montreal, so our client pool is quite small. When I say we have attended 700 births, I am not including the hundreds I attended prior to the forming of MotherWit. I am also not including the volunteer births that have been referred to my apprentice doulas through organizations who take care of pregnant families in true need. I mean 700 paying MotherWit Doula Care clients attended doula-style, with continual labour support with our typical pre/postnatal support meetings.<br />
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My Birth Essentials Pre-Natal Classes took off quickly, and fill up most months. We've taught over 500 people our course in childbirth empowerment. A large percentage of our students come from physician referral. We also run a Mom's Meetup group, which our clients love.<br />
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MotherWit Doula Care hosts a monthly doula gathering, open to any doula from any organization who wants to join in, for an evening of birth story sharing, wine, and sisterhood.<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggCxDezOSjOovfUiZXduWikAWzlokBounT8iPJV9ioMjOTbHXtkvqxk8wJbHJn392r0ADfLxn3jP8OZ1hQDZiBrMIkI_R4_9g7vxrnmy8f12IoY-_0NtH9WULawDwRVDszoTebXIScFrhp/s1600/IMG_20141212_225953.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggCxDezOSjOovfUiZXduWikAWzlokBounT8iPJV9ioMjOTbHXtkvqxk8wJbHJn392r0ADfLxn3jP8OZ1hQDZiBrMIkI_R4_9g7vxrnmy8f12IoY-_0NtH9WULawDwRVDszoTebXIScFrhp/s320/IMG_20141212_225953.jpg" width="320" /></a> We are even joined on occasion by medical folks who want a hit of that kind of camaraderie. One day Gloria Lemay joined us for an impromptu film showing. Another time Gena Kirby came to hang out.<br />
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I have taught Holistic Birth Doula Trainings and accompanied MotherWit Birth and Postpartum Doula Extraordinaire Millie Tresierra to Holistic Postpartum Doula Trainings in cities in Canada. I have personally brought around one hundred apprentices to births.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLEewDh3OjvGoOQCwMYWJurrelxZat4LIpFQF-a_1h_FwXcZHI2pUfo7RV1-PB5fUJboO6uSY2guX2WPae4aHv9Oh_4IHA3WDAqNzlFTUXgOMELQ-me764HSyYoi2gqubeEasIH22O4CJ0/s1600/nurses.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLEewDh3OjvGoOQCwMYWJurrelxZat4LIpFQF-a_1h_FwXcZHI2pUfo7RV1-PB5fUJboO6uSY2guX2WPae4aHv9Oh_4IHA3WDAqNzlFTUXgOMELQ-me764HSyYoi2gqubeEasIH22O4CJ0/s320/nurses.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
I have brought my "Soft Skills for Medical Professionals" workshop to several hundred McGill nursing students, and have taught groups of new nurses doula skills in their hospital. I have taught workshops to medical residents and family physicians on various aspects of comfort measures for labouring women. Some have come up to me years later to say, "What you said changed my life." I don't take that personally, as I didn't tell them anything I invented (I didn't create Birth). I just told them stuff their trainings didn't. I didn't go out trying to get this to happen. They invited me, and continue to do so.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfnp4Y4Hcte4NeOj_vGjYWwJUPvJTmXHM2tbVM07F5si2fZjGRYoKpB0IfVGzc2X_jIqBcHCc2h6xABEi_pzfAF90fv5t5RR-OfQR9Adi89MQ71sE9-vZ7OjAr7j4gUjPvklaL8VaiF18m/s1600/madagascar.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfnp4Y4Hcte4NeOj_vGjYWwJUPvJTmXHM2tbVM07F5si2fZjGRYoKpB0IfVGzc2X_jIqBcHCc2h6xABEi_pzfAF90fv5t5RR-OfQR9Adi89MQ71sE9-vZ7OjAr7j4gUjPvklaL8VaiF18m/s320/madagascar.jpg" width="320" /></a>I have traveled to Madagascar with a midwife and doctor friend at the request of dear former clients of mine, doing educational exchanges with indigenous Rain Forest Midwives, sleeping in tents miles away from the nearest road or "civilization". I have experienced the uterine massage the midwives do to heal infertility, have tasted the herb dingadingana they use to stop postpartum bleeding, saw the smallest baby I've ever seen outside an NICU, and so many more things that would be a book in and of itself.<br />
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I have been to quite a few conferences, and recently was a presenter at the last Birth and Beyond Conference. That was pretty amazing, as I had a one on one breakfast with Ina May Gaskin, champagne with Dr. James McKenna, and lively dinner discussion with Dr. Jack Newman. I am a total unknown from Canada, so these are special moments I hold very dear. I have learned so much from these people and their bodies of work, and I was in fan girl heaven to pick their brains and listen to their stories.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzMLLkpDQuIHiUyS2fdfYnosa7V7xI0kPH9-u5pn524tT2LUP_YiynQ0d3mdJWjVvW26d9d75ctWgNp3NkYeoq02jkemFuna6tA8zwUxpMGsQcX99WKgtTg8tdTFD-ACD1SdYsYnu8YIGU/s1600/329083_482628875095208_1630024940_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzMLLkpDQuIHiUyS2fdfYnosa7V7xI0kPH9-u5pn524tT2LUP_YiynQ0d3mdJWjVvW26d9d75ctWgNp3NkYeoq02jkemFuna6tA8zwUxpMGsQcX99WKgtTg8tdTFD-ACD1SdYsYnu8YIGU/s320/329083_482628875095208_1630024940_o.jpg" width="240" /></a>I have worked REALLY hard to not only have people receive the benefits of doula care, but to create a community for doulas to be supported within, creating good education and a strong self care ethic for those who are crazy enough to want to be doulas. I am prone to overwork, and have been known to work through times of not feeling my best. This has caught up with me at times.<br />
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When I learned how truly successful I was had little to do with my bank account, the sixty plus births a year I personally attended, the hours of professional trainings under my belt, the many students I put on the path of birth, the success of my childbirth education class, the medical professional teachings I did, or any of that. It came when, three years ago, I was diagnosed with cancer.<br />
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It wasn't just dysplasia or lump that could be taken out. I had invasive cervical cancer that had grown through my pelvic walls, was compressing both of my ureters and cutting off my kidney function. I was hemorrhaging dangerously, and I was in renal failure. I had to get tubes inserted into my kidneys and wear these not so sexy pee collection bags strapped to my legs for months at a time. The prognosis was bleak. <br />
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When I announced my illness with a sense of sorrow and even shame (yes, I felt ashamed that I was being a burden...not good), this is when I was smacked in the face with what true success meant. I cannot even describe the outpouring of love, prayers, gifts, vigils, food, and good wishes that came my way. My friends, spiritual community, and global doula family were powerful allies in my healing process. My MotherWit team took over the doula trainings I had scheduled. They took over my many clients in addition to their own busy schedules. They did this without any expectation of payment. I tear up even just writing about it. My agency revenue helped to support my family while I couldn't actively doula, and was so grateful for the doula prosperity I had established.<br />
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When I was gravely ill, in terrible pain, zonked on morphine, sick from radiation, achy boned from chemo, bedridden, worried about a loss of income and terrified for my very life, to have kind eyes to look into, to know my family was being helped, to know that so many beloveds had my back, is worth more than anything I can even describe.<br />
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I have many daily affirmations, but this one I hold dearest to my heart: "I am motivated only by love." Things tend to take care of themselves with that. If you're skeptical about love putting food on the table, know that this motivation is largely responsible for the fact that my doula work has evolved as it has, not through SEO (I didn't even know what that meant until a year ago), or spending money on branding (though I know love AND these things have helped other people, so yay! I'm just talking about me, here.). I commit to giving the best service I can. The best advertisement is a job profoundly well done with a wonderful attitude towards all involved. It is like passing out 100 business cards, as satisfied customers rave about you.<br />
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I am not motivated by any desire for power. I have no desire to dominate anything. That would take far too much work and stress, and then I wouldn't have time to do the brunch/spa dates that are so important to me and my team for self-care. Besides, power driven dreams are the machinations of Ego, and don't speak to the heart of service, which is what the healing of this birth culture requires. When I meet prospective clients, I don't go into the meeting only selling myself. I see myself promoting "the work" and all the doulas who do it. The desire to dominate is what has created much of the world's suffering. Prosper and thrive, though, YES!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFvrWQN_r-ibyQhOAwuH45YeMD_G6uhJ0sGqLQ6te2-ed2IETHGmA78YRKA-AKSDVzigClANVkzztXtHJFR6-ArgBKKgPypLDNp99oVHirg6Cu4xxeVHXjp86L_nUprh8NS48cK3B4NOsO/s1600/MW+Garden.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="181" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFvrWQN_r-ibyQhOAwuH45YeMD_G6uhJ0sGqLQ6te2-ed2IETHGmA78YRKA-AKSDVzigClANVkzztXtHJFR6-ArgBKKgPypLDNp99oVHirg6Cu4xxeVHXjp86L_nUprh8NS48cK3B4NOsO/s320/MW+Garden.jpg" width="320" /></a>My motivation isn't to be stinko rich. I am crazy wealthy compared to most people on our beloved Earth. I can barely keep the little house I have organized. Why would I need something bigger for a family who is growing and moving out? My garden is beautiful, and that is what makes me happy. Food is plentiful, shelter is good, and we have everything we need.<br />
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"I am motivated only by love." So when I felt overwhelmed by the tsunami of love that flowed my way when I was sick, there was always a hand that would grab mine and a voice to say, "all the love you have put out, is coming back to you in your time of need." I heard those words from people several times per day. It can be HARD to rub all that concentrated goodness into your heart when you have spent time in the the cancer wards as a patient, been to Third World countries, and know others in the world are suffering terribly. But I did. I breathed the love in. I dared to own it. I drew it into all my cells consciously, and I swear, combined with the good Western Medicine, the healing ceremonies my dear friend Nat made sure to get me to, visits with spiritual healers, and the love of <span style="text-align: center;">my doula sisters and clients from around the world, I dug deep and I HEALED!</span><br />
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When my body's wellness caught up to my strong spirit, I went back to doula work, but gently, jut to keep my finger on the pulse of the living work. I will no longer do more than twenty births per year, just to keep my feet in. I like the idea of childbirth educators and doula trainers being actively connected to the work. Before illness I had made great money going to a lot of births and having a crazy teaching schedule. But no amount of money was worth what I put my body and my family through. <br />
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I take more time off now. My team and I went to Vegas last year on an enforced doula holiday, leaving our clients in the hands of very capable doula backups. Nobody gave birth while we were away, however, which is weird, because one of us is always at a birth. But for those of you in the know, it's how Birth often rolls. <br />
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When I got well I also knew I had to continue to give back all that beautiful love. To make a long story short, at the behest of many persistent dreams, I joined the One Spirit Interfaith/Interspiritual Seminary in New York City. Before the post cancer treatment PET scan was even clear, I knew I wanted to become an interspiritual minister (I am not religious, but spiritual) to help all people (not just birthing and parenting people) find their connection to their own inner wisdom (motherwit). After two years of study (in person sometimes and through distance learning), my ordination was celebrated at the Riverside Church in Manhattan. My MotherWit Doula Care team joined me in New York City to celebrate. Not just my Montreal crew, but also former team members who had moved across the continent. We had a BLAST. <br />
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During my seminary training, I learned to volunteer in patient care in hospice, participating with those about to leave this life. I love end of life care, and will continue to develop my skills in that area. Holding the space for dying has become as moving as holding the space for birthing.<br />
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I have studied and become a Shamanic Reiki Master Practitioner with the amazing Llyne Roberts at the Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, NY. This has brought my work with birthing families and doula training to another level.<br />
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I have really enjoyed watching doulas become more business minded as years go by, and seeing doula work growing into a more substantial and sustainable profession. I have always ensured that my trainings gave the solid foundation to the product being sold, for the sake of the buyers and the doulas themselves. It is good that doulas can take their service and sell it with integrity with all of the tools and business insights/trainings that are now available. And I always encourage mindfulness about not allowing the product (your service) to overwhelm the product capacity (your own energy). Because if you burn out, that is one less person doing the good work. That hurts all of us.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Business continues to grow.</span><br />
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One of my favourite aspects of growth is that MotherWit is now our family business. My husband Mitchell is a vital part of the organization. He gets overlooked a lot, because he's very behind the scenes. There is a beautiful poem by Margaret Atwood called "Variations on the Word Sleep". There is a line that says, "I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary." This is how my dear, humble Mitchell, my rock for over 25 years, operates. He stays home and keeps the running of things as smooth as possible. He points me in the direction I need to go and I go. I am so busy mothering, doula-ing, teaching, talking to people, and writing content for classes and manuals, dealing with students, pursuing studies, etc., that I can't run this ship on my own. Without Mitchell, I couldn't be doing what I'm doing. If you ever think of MotherWit, send my husband a loving thought. <br />
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I have learned a lot about promotion and organization over the years. This old dog definitely has learned new tricks, but there are bandwagons I haven't jumped on, though if they work for you, more power to you! Telling you what I do or don't do is in no way a judgement of what you yourself are implementing in your business. We need all approaches, and I thank all of those who seek to have doulas empowered to own their worth and support their families doing what they love. You are bringing healing.<br />
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At MotherWit, we don't, for example, hand out information packages to prospective clients. I'm an old hippy, I used cloth diapers for my kids. I just don't want to spend the time and money creating these things, though I think they could be valuable for newer doulas who haven't yet established a reputation in their communities. My team is adamant about not wanting to put time limits on birthing clients or doing shared care. Not because it's not okay to do those things if you want but because we generally really love our work and our clients, and are experienced enough at pacing to not find ourselves at super long births very often. Plus, none of us have kids under double digits, so it works for us. We are in for a penny, in for a pound. But we also know that we can rely on a colleague whom the client has met to relieve us of doula duty if we are over-tired or our families need us. Nobody needs to overextend themselves.<br />
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I don't have a target market. If you want a doula, you're nice, we speak the same language, and you value what I have to offer, you're welcome to purchase my birth doula services. I fully believe that I don't have to have any kind of crafty edge to seal any deals. It is my doula service someone is buying, that which comes from my hands, my eyes, my words, and my heart, not any kind of concept. A pregnant mother/couple wants to feel safe and cared for by someone they click with. I will never force a "click" because I need to hustle for money. I trust that if on the odd occasion it doesn't feel like a great fit, another doula will take that place, and that is wonderful. Another door will open for me. Because every time a client finds the doula of her dreams, that is ALL of our success. The more doulas there are out there in my town, the more people will know about us and the 90 per cent or so of people who don't really know much about doulas will be tapped into, and hey, that's great for EVERYONE! I have seen this principle in action over the years.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTK2sERYSVrye_WVT5JEq3BCkqvhrN1nvo5g7hYfegYFpPBTroE5cwCG104EfFFNWwUOV5nNMjVfTNm0xPEolOom2kXHB5IA4lopIX4gJ-9kTYyAbsJXTSS-YW-3sqMR8LX307FTzXzG7z/s1600/IMG_20140302_152240.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTK2sERYSVrye_WVT5JEq3BCkqvhrN1nvo5g7hYfegYFpPBTroE5cwCG104EfFFNWwUOV5nNMjVfTNm0xPEolOom2kXHB5IA4lopIX4gJ-9kTYyAbsJXTSS-YW-3sqMR8LX307FTzXzG7z/s320/IMG_20140302_152240.jpg" width="320" /></a>I believe in good business ethics. Don't tear other people down. Don't get sucked into drama. If you're so worried about other peoples' business, who's minding your own? If you make a mistake with your client or a colleague, learn from it and make sure nobody falls through the cracks again. And for Pete's sake, be original! Create your own ideas and formats. Obviously, there is nothing new under the sun, and customs do develop in doula business, which is fine. But work them your own way. You have it in you! Let's not take cookie cutter approaches to something as huge, mysterious, and awesome as birth support.<br />
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We all struggle with Ego and rub up against fear that there is threat to our livelihood, or that someone else is getting more than we are. I still find myself there on occasion. We are human. It's gonna happen. Breathe. Relax. Let it go. There is more than enough to go around and room for everyone to shine. Let your competition's success be a victory in your own heart, and wish them the good things they deserve on this crazy doula path. Trust. May the seeds you sow with your hard work and nourish with your love and care bloom into an ethical practice of integrity and wild success. Only that will truly nourish your work and life in a real and sustainable way. It may sound hokey, but I really do believe that an open heart allows prosperity to flow to us more easily than one that is shut down in fear or is motivated by egoic concerns.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfdEv4j8sh6EZ1y-kiVztFkpuJL4DxyfVpRwV0WoproDogUczqF9kmrO-aqQAF8V2l10dOgaj9RvYZp3xO37UwPcaAe5fISBOfd4-Pz7gWsIXMLjYrfp7sf2DLMrubhNlNtDkQimi_S8n4/s1600/Lesley+Ian.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfdEv4j8sh6EZ1y-kiVztFkpuJL4DxyfVpRwV0WoproDogUczqF9kmrO-aqQAF8V2l10dOgaj9RvYZp3xO37UwPcaAe5fISBOfd4-Pz7gWsIXMLjYrfp7sf2DLMrubhNlNtDkQimi_S8n4/s320/Lesley+Ian.jpg" width="320" /></a>I am blessed after a long career to have made close acquaintances with medical caregivers (even having attended some of their births). Some of them have become dear friends. The great thing <br />
about having conversations about birth over cocktails with a friend is that you gain a deeper understanding of their perspective. You are so proud of them for what they've accomplished, and hear their challenges with much compassion. Your faith that women in birth CAN have it all when a bunch of loving people from different paths come together is bolstered. <br />
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When I say I am wildly successful, I mean that on a physical level, I have all I need and more. I am rich in story, rich in experience, rich in love. In every moment, as my beloved mentor Frank teaches me, I can ground myself in the goodness of my many blessings. I can put my hands on the sacred Earth, stretch my arms into the vastness of the sky, drawing in energy, breathing out love and blessings, and say, "I am WELL, I am ENERGIZED, and it is a GOOD day to be alive!" Not feeling that way? Say it anyway! Continue to say it until it is true. Don't like the vibe of the birth community in your town? Don't like how your practice is going? Be the change you want to see! Don't listen to me, do what your own gut says. You have a path. Walk it the way that works for you.<br />
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May you only be motivated by love, and then do the hard work with fire in your belly to bring the healing our service provides. The prosperity tends to follow if you deeply value YOU. It isn't easy to grow and sustain a thriving doula practice, but as a very wise Grandmother once told me, "If it is FOR you, it will not go BY you."<br />
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The only thing you take with you when you go, Dear Ones, is love. Trust me, I've seen it in the eyes of the dying. The love and peace you feel going out is often about how much love you've put in. So be generous with your loving. I have seen it come back to me a thousandfold. Have good boundaries, of course. Give your love freely, but get paid well for the services you provide, though trust those times your intuition tells you to give your service away to someone. If this is true intuition talking, this will not happen more than you can handle. Don't be attached to the results of your heart felt efforts(because we can only influence, not control), take great care of YOU, remember why you're doing this in the first place, learn from the hard experiences, and ENJOY the ride. But most of all, love with no questions asked. That is the secret to a wildly successful life.<br />
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May you doula in all your glory! You are beautiful. Learn it. Live it. Love it.<br />
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Love,<br />
Lesley<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059951273542374898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686997867572223504.post-63945500175273164952015-08-28T08:05:00.000-04:002015-12-10T10:23:35.267-05:005 Essential Ways to Help your Partner Give Birth<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Dads and Moms who are about to witness their partner give birth often have many concerns. As a childbirth educator, doula, and friend I have been asked by over a thousand concerned birth partners:<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>"What is the best way for me to help?" </b></span><br />
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It doesn't matter where you come from or how much mastery you have in other areas of your life. When you have never before witnessed birth and are about to step up to the task of supporting your beloved on a journey famous for its intensity and unpredictability, it is normal to feel reduced to the status of "rank amateur". <br />
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Here are five tips to build your confidence and help you support the birth of your child like a pro:<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">1) Get Educated</span></b><br />
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Take a prenatal class that is geared towards giving you skills to work together with your partner to effectively promote comfort and relaxation throughout pregnancy, labour and the postpartum period. Make sure your options and rights will be outlined in a way that is objective and evidence based, respecting whatever choices your partner and you are thinking about making for the birth and early days of parenting. <br />
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Chat with your prospective childbirth educator before choosing a class. Active experience in the field of childbirth and mom/baby support as well as an established excellent reputation with the doctors, nurses, and midwives in your area means your educator will have valuable insider knowledge about your place of birth. A good prenatal class will help you to feel inspired, confident, and empowered to support your partner <b>no matter how</b> birth unfolds!<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">2) Be Present</span></b><br />
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At the end of a birth, when Baby is safely in arms, the birthing mama will usually beam at her partner and say, "I couldn't have done it without you,". The partner sometimes looks surprised because they may not feel like they were particularly useful in easing most of the discomfort. Remember this: it isn't about what you DO, it is about how you BE. Birth is hard work, and while you can't do it for her, birthing moms appreciate feeling like you're fully available to be leaned on for physical and emotional support. You helped Baby get in there (whether biologically or not) with love. It is love that will help get it out.<br />
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Since the advent of smart phones and tablets, the opportunity for distraction is always available. It is common to hear of partners frequently updating folks outside the birthing room as to what is going on inside of it. Whenever possible, TURN OFF YOUR DEVICES! Birthing folks don't like feeling their partner was connected to everyone else but them. <br />
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Birth is hard. You are needed. And you only get to have this baby once. Generally the more present you are, the richer and more bonding the birth experience can be for the family. Birthing individuals report that what they appreciated most in labour was not the fancy massage techniques their partners used or how handy they were with a stop watch, but simply how THERE they were, tuning into and quietly meeting their needs.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">3) Protect the Space</span></b><br />
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I repeat: birth is hard. Amazing and thrilling, but challenging. Though birthing mothers are the strongest people ever, they are also vulnerable to environmental factors that can impact the groovy hormonal flow which gets the job done. Communication skills are hard for mamas to summon when in the throes of strong labour.<br />
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Protecting her space means being a strong but gentle buffer for environmental distractions. Especially in a hospital birth, many questions have to be asked and things explained. If you are able, field the questions you can, especially if your partner is having a contraction. If you feel that a staff member is not understanding your partner's needs because she is too absorbed in her labour process to articulate the way she normally does, participate in the communication. Having good prenatal education under your belt and having a clear understanding of your partners' birth preferences will help you be effective with this task. Doing so in a friendly way is always best for everyone.<br />
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If there are family members/friends who show up to your place of birth uninvited or are contributing to the environment in a not so helpful way, lovingly explain to them that they need to leave/stop calling the room. Reassure them you will give them news AFTER the baby arrives. If their excitement is greater than their tact and you don't want to create drama, you may engage your nurse (who has your back) to play bad cop and enforce the hospital rules about too many people in the room/clogging up the waiting room. <br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">4) Stand up for Birthing Mom's Wishes</span></b><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFrKpZgDAC5klYbgMEy3J4IwXWlESARRxuTgGAfRfeNrPqjBi7A_QlzdfPQUF3HGEK2LT-Pkw75WfUa__vYOr2PoWgYj1busQ2TInhGUTCvNqO_tRabv4QdKfjMxM1uxkkjlVlKIidr58s/s1600/IMG_9438.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFrKpZgDAC5klYbgMEy3J4IwXWlESARRxuTgGAfRfeNrPqjBi7A_QlzdfPQUF3HGEK2LT-Pkw75WfUa__vYOr2PoWgYj1busQ2TInhGUTCvNqO_tRabv4QdKfjMxM1uxkkjlVlKIidr58s/s320/IMG_9438.jpg" width="320" /></a>What goes on in a birthing woman's body is best known to the woman herself in partnership with her caregiver. If a woman had certain plans or expectations about labour, it is possible these<br />
things may change as the experience unfolds.<br />
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Your voice is important. This is your kid too. Your loving encouragement can help soothe the rough edges and get her through the hardest bits. You will discuss decisions together. But in the end, the choices will be hers. If she wants to birth naturally and you find yourself scared of the "fierce", breathe and trust so she knows you're okay. If she wants pain relief when you knew she wanted a natural birth no matter what you try to bring comfort, I repeat: breathe and trust. Don't take it personally. Always make her feel like the rock star she is. <br />
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Unconditional support from you helps the changes in birth expectations be embraced as empowering, not defeating. She will carry those feelings of support and empowerment into new motherhood, shaping the quality of her experience.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">5) Take Care of YOU</span></b><br />
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There was a time partners were never allowed in the birthing room. Now there is an expectation upon them to not only be there, but to be the primary source of comfort, the one to figure out how to support birthing mama's self-advocacy, know all the questions to ask, understand the benefits and risks of interventions, at the same time as being an emotionally invested and desperately sleep deprived partner and parent. That can leave birth partners very depleted at the time they most need to take care of their family. <br />
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Ensure you get rest during labour's down times, remember to eat and hydrate, and take breaks so you can take little walks to compose yourself. Tell yourself frequently that you are doing an AMAZING job, deal gracefully with the surprise appearance of bodily fluids, ask your primary healthcare providers for information when necessary so you can make choices together about clinical care, and know that sudden barf, odd sounds, and the striking of strange poses are perfectly normal during labour. <br />
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If this sounds overwhelming, get some support. It feels great to have some of that pressure off so all you need to do is bring the love. Whomever you choose as a support person, they will ideally uphold you as the indispensable primary birth support person that you are. <br />
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Doula care is famous for how much it helps birthing mothers, reducing the risk of common medical interventions that may not be necessary for her case, increasing maternal satisfaction with the birth experience, and increasing breastfeeding success rates. But doulas are there for the partner too, ensuring you get what you need to make this experience as wonderful as possible for you.<br />
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No matter what, I know you're going to come through. You've got this.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059951273542374898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686997867572223504.post-78728264130935811312015-08-12T13:56:00.000-04:002015-10-05T16:11:09.370-04:00Is my Baby a Jerk?<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; text-align: left;"><tbody>
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<span style="font-size: large;">You have the most amazing baby in the world. You are SO in love with this bundle of joy. Those eyelashes nestled fan-like, ever so delicately upon his face as he sleeps....those little hands...the thigh chub...utter perfection! We know your gratitude knows no limits for this magnificent baby of yours. And, let's face it:</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">BABIES ARE UNPROFESSIONAL!</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">One day on a postpartum visit after a particularly long birth the mother dealt with like a rock star, the dad took me aside. He wanted to be out of earshot of his wife who at that particular moment was cooing animatedly at their little son as he spat sour milk up all over himself, as proud of him as if he had just ended world hunger. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Looking cautiously over his shoulder Dad said, "Don't get me wrong. We love this baby more than words can express. But he cries a lot. Like, a LOT. We worked really hard to birth him. We feed him, we change him, we hold him, we make stupid faces at him, we talk to him in voices our friends would never let us live down if they heard. We are doing our best to make him happy. We adore him, but between you and me, I think he's kind of a jerk sometimes. I'm terrible, right?"</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I hugged this earnest new papa, so invested in his child's happiness, willing to wrestle a pride of lions if need be to protect his family. He was feeling so powerless about the reality that there were times he couldn't elicit smiles and contentment from Junior despite his valiant efforts, and so guilty that he couldn't help entertaining a negative thought about this precious new life entrusted to him.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">"You're not terrible at all," I reassured him. "Most parents feel like this at times. Besides, it's true," I admitted, having been in the trenches of life with New Baby a few times myself. "Babies CAN be jerks." </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I believe it is important for parents to be able to have the space to express the truth of their frustration once in a while amidst their sweet whispers of undying love. Lectures from those who feel the need to snap people out of their emotional struggle by reminding them how grateful they should be for their babies can serve to create shame around these occasional feelings which, if you check in with most parents, you'll find are pretty normal.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Babies are born unprofessional at this life business. They aren't interested in keeping decent hours. They frankly don't care that you're exhausted and sporting stitches in unspeakable places on their account. They demand attention in excessively dramatic ways. They are incontinent. As soon as you remove one poop saturated garment to replace it with a fresh one, they explode AGAIN....like tiny little geese. They throw up without apology, and rarely let you get any work done. It is a fine day when you can take a shower AND do a load of dishes. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">There will be times when for a moment we are caught up in taking it all just a little bit personally. The sheer magnitude of new parent love can strip us down to emotional brass tacks, exposing the soft underbelly of vulnerability which lies just beneath the thin veneer of "I have my sh*t together." We can find ourselves feeling irrational in moments of overwhelm, ashamed at our intruding frustration when just moments before we knew with absolute certainty there was never a more holy being on Earth than our very own baby. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">There is no need to be so hard on ourselves. It is normal and okay to wonder sometimes if our babies (and older children) are intentionally sabotaging our efforts to be great parents. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">If you whisper to me that you secretly think your baby might be a jerk, I'll meet you in that place with empathy. Go ahead and let off a little steam. Your baby will not be ruined or jinxed because your parental feelings aren't always pristine. Your gratitude lives within you intact even if you've momentarily misplaced it. I also promise not to let you know that I'm barely surviving my third teenager. Because that is a whole other story.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Lesley</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.motherwit.ca/" target="_blank">MotherWit Doula Care</a></span>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059951273542374898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686997867572223504.post-4950609265590632192015-06-13T21:20:00.001-04:002015-06-14T09:13:17.739-04:00Five Tips for Birthworkers Dealing with Challenging Client ChoicesIt happens to every one of us in our careers where we will feel challenged and triggered by some of the choices a client makes for themselves. How can we continue to serve in the best way possible?<br />
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1) Receive<br />
Sit with what your client is saying in a receptive way. It is important you are not attached to having their choices resonate with what you would do in any given situation. Respond in a way that demonstrates you are receiving them. The question "Could you tell me more about that?," invites your client to express their concerns and feelings, giving you an insight into their experience. Many clients will consider choices that feel radically different from the ones you feel are healthy and empowering. Breathe, and listen. Get out of your head, and drop down into your heart, that place from which the deepest listening space is held. It is only by listening and giving space for their stories to unfold that you can begin to truly understand their needs, responding appropriately and effectively. We have two ears and one mouth for a reason: listen at least twice as much as you speak.<br />
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2) Don't React...RESEARCH!<br />
Imagine what might happen to the conversation if you met your client with a reaction to their potential choices with words such as, "But epidurals can lead to Cesareans or perineal tearing!", or "Formula feeding isn't good for your baby!", or "That is mutilation!"<br />
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Doulas understand that fear can impact the birthing/postpartum experience. We must be careful not to contribute to fear with our own reactions. For one, it doesn't honour our clients. For another, people tend to dig in their heels and stick to their guns in defensiveness if they feel attacked. This shuts down the opportunity to have the good information you have to share received.<br />
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Once your client has talked out their decision making process with your support, you can, if they have felt safe enough in your presence to ask for more information, provide evidence based knowledge. A clear understanding of the benefits and risks of any given choice can be helpful in supporting a client in a decision making process, but be careful how you give it. Check in to see if you are being "persuasive" by emphasizing certain benefits or risks according to your own bias. We criticize "the system" for doing this all the time, and must be mindful about not participating in this game ourselves. Direct clients to further resources (evidence based ones) so they can do their own research too. You can refresh your own knowledge as well on the subject, in case any new evidence has come to light you haven't yet heard.<br />
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3) Respect<br />
It is not true that "if people just knew the right information they'd make "healthier" choices". Health encompasses more than just the body. Sometimes choices are made based upon what clients know is right for them mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and socially. Only they can decide what is best for their and their family's well-being. Your job is not to "make" them choose the things you think are "right". It is simply and truly to inform and to support choice.<br />
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4) Reflect<br />
If your client's choice irks you so much that you are challenged in your attempts to give them your respect, honouring the reign of their sovereignty over decision making, it is time to take a look at what is making you take this so personally. Is it possible you identify yourself as successful only if you've "made" everyone feel empowered according to your own standards? Are you identifying with and taking on the vulnerability of your client or their baby and want to "save" them, getting caught up in some counter-transference? Is their decision striking a painful chord in your moral/emotional landscape? Is your ego challenged by their not choosing what you've outlined? Do you feel "in competition" with their choices? Ask yourself these things gently and lovingly.<br />
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There are many examples of why it may be too hard for you to happily and effectively serve a client every once in a while. It happens! You're human. Don't be too hard on yourself. All people judge. We can't help it. Judgement doesn't make us "bad". It is what we do with our judgment that demonstrates our character.<br />
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5) Renew or Release<br />
If you witness your judgment, identify your triggers (you can talk to your mentor, a counselor, or a doula colleague about this), and find that after some reflection you are indeed able to support your clients' choices with respect even though it feels tough to you, carry on! Renew your commitment to serve in an unbiased way. If you cannot, that is okay too. We all have areas within that are raw and unyielding. We are all works in progress. Every single one of us. <br />
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It is a gift to everyone to be able to own to yourself that you cannot serve these particular clients with the open heart they need to be met with. In this case, release them from your care gently (you don't have to share with them it's because you aren't sympatico with their choices), with referrals to other doulas you trust, and wish them a most beautiful birth experience. You have not failed, you have succeeded in ensuring someone has the best care possible. That in and of itself is good doula-ing.<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059951273542374898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686997867572223504.post-21438192333941622352015-04-15T16:14:00.000-04:002015-10-07T11:30:14.740-04:00Don't Give Me My Baby: Bonding After Normal BirthThere is an old video from Brazil called "<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAF5n3GBkPA" target="_blank">Birth in the Squatting Position</a>". This video, made in the 70's, got under my skin in a huge way and took my studies, explorations, and ruminations upon birth to a whole new level.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjD-AeNoYPRfgCrZzyO-0IVDhbOShIVc4Z1U5e4nL3bjQwvdWL5rfh-4fxabY9H61BBfFL2sgoNxubscmjsJBo1mM1F8panJNSG9a21XoahwtNZDAZF1hkeir1k93xBQE34-E3xX9vqxWI5/s1600/birth2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjD-AeNoYPRfgCrZzyO-0IVDhbOShIVc4Z1U5e4nL3bjQwvdWL5rfh-4fxabY9H61BBfFL2sgoNxubscmjsJBo1mM1F8panJNSG9a21XoahwtNZDAZF1hkeir1k93xBQE34-E3xX9vqxWI5/s1600/birth2.jpg" /></a></div>
It is not the squatting aspect of the mothers delivering their babies that is so fascinating to me. As a long time doula, I have witnessed many women squat to give birth. I squatted myself (for many hours) to birth my first child, who remained stubbornly face-up (babies normally emerge face-down). What excited me and moved me to a whole new level of appreciation for the team effort between Birth Giver and Baby were the things we do NOT see in this video.<br />
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<b>The birth giver and the baby are undisturbed in the second stage of labour.</b> However, they are in a clinical setting, which needs to be clear. This is a medical birthing centre, not just women squatting willy nilly in the woods. I actually LOVE this aspect. It demonstrates the possibility that birth givers and babies can have their cake and eat it too, meaning they can be trusted to do their work together without unnecessary distraction AND have the clinical safety net the majority of families want for those times surprises happens. When disruptions in the normal process are radically minimized, we will likely see an <b>increase</b> in uncomplicated births and a <b>decrease</b> in the births that require a need to get the birth/baby dyad out of a potentially iatrogenic pickle.<br />
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So let's look at what we <b>don't</b> see:<br />
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1) <span style="font-size: large;"><b>Nobody is telling the birth givers to lie on their backs</b>.</span> The intro to the video states that many of the women this clinic supports are very active, and when they get the opportunity to chill out, they so by squatting. They traditionally birth in the squatting position. So these women are doing what comes naturally, or are at least being guided to do something that is more ergonomic than the medically preferred semi-reclining (or even lithotomy) position.<br />
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2) <b><span style="font-size: large;">Nobody is coaching them.</span> </b>Now granted, most of these are probably not first time birth givers. Subsequent babies do tend to come out with much greater ease. However, in my doula practice which consists mainly of people having subsequent babies, the surge of "rush" energy rises in the room like a tidal wave, people charge in, and many voices often help them to "remember how to push". The squatting birth givers in this video have their need for quiet and concentration respected. I have no doubt there are some loving murmers going on that we don't hear over the flute-y music, but I highly doubt the "push harder...NO..slow down...NO push more" during the crowning/expulsion phase is going on.<br />
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Some people give birth in near silence with great focus simply breathing their babies out, and others give a high pitched shriek, often referred to as the "perineal cry". If things are moving along well, it is probably unnecessary to tell them to do other than they are doing. I have seen many birthers told not to scream, directed to bear down and push through that pain even when it is clear Baby is emerging without a hitch. I wonder if that final shriek often given at the end isn't a natural way for some of the powerful energy to be dispersed, like steam from a kettle, with the result minimizing the force with which Baby comes through, and perhaps reducing tearing.<br />
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3)<span style="font-size: large;"> </span><b><span style="font-size: large;">The birth giver's genitals and the baby's emerging head are not touched. </span> </b><br />
It is not unusual in a hospital to see a lot of perineal and vaginal manipulation throughout the pushing phase. It is most certainly with the kind intention to help. But what we know about stretching things out or fiddling as a default rather than just when there is evidence it is necessary, is that it brings extra blood flow to the area. This means it can potentially make the area thicker. For a perineum to slip as gently over the baby's emerging head as possible, a thinner quality of tissue is likely more acceptable (Thank you, Gloria Lemay). I wonder, though these things are hard to know for sure, if we would have LESS tearing if there were LESS touching.<br />
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I have a feeling Baby is often not happy about having its tender, oh so squished little cranium touched while trying like a little trooper to crawl out of the smallest space they will ever be in. They are working hard. I imagine it could be very distracting for them.<br />
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4) <b><span style="font-size: large;">The baby is not delivered by anyone but the birth giver.</span></b><br />
There are supportive hands available to prevent any bumpy landings, as well as to intervene quickly if necessary, and perhaps to provide a little positioning help if a baby has landed on their face. But given that squatting brings birthing bottoms close to the surface the feet are grounded, a soft place for Baby to land seems to be what's most needed. Babies do tend to come out, even if there is nobody to "catch" them.<br />
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5) <b><span style="font-size: large;">Nobody interferes with the birth givers' instincts.</span></b><br />
In a lovely effort to get them participating with the delivery of their babies, many birth givers are encouraged to "touch their baby's heads" or to "reach down and take their babies". This is actually a sweet gesture that many people who birth in a highly clinical setting with monitors, strangers, prescribed positions, etc. appreciate. I used to encourage this too....until I realized as I observed (which I get to do, not having to worry about anyone's clinical safety) that most people appeared shocked and pulled out of the deep space they were in to follow my direction.<br />
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There are deep resources and motherwit within that rich inner wold of the birth giver. Brain waves shift. Hormones flow. There is a primordial blueprint. The shrieking (if there is shrieking), or thrown back head, closed eyes and perhaps the clinging tightly to someone or something are not generally signs of terror and disassociation. Rather, they are usually signs that the birth giver is tapping into and riding a massive flow of power.<br />
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In this video, we see the women left to their own motherwit, bringing forth life without the external world assuming to know better and exerting pressure upon the experience.<br />
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6) and this is my favourite thing of all<b>....<span style="font-size: large;">nobody hands the birth givers their babies!</span></b><br />
<b><br /></b>The "Birth in the Squatting Position" video suggests, as well as other studies that have observed what humans tend to do on a primal level when left to birth undisturbed, that placing Baby directly upon the chest or abdomen is NOT "natural". It is done in the name of "immediate skin to skin" if the hospital wants to appear progressive or simply because the bottom of the hospital birthing bed is removed, so right after birth there is nowhere else for the baby to safely go.<br />
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This is a very accepted part of our birth culture.<br />
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If you observe, though, which I have, as well as having experienced this myself, there is something that happens when someone claims their own baby.<br />
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What generally happens, is that the birth giver goes to a peak level of human experience. As has the baby. They are off in realms that are not akin to our normal, every day brain waves. This is a consciousness that cannot quite be described. If they are left undisturbed, they will stay in that space for a little while. I have a belief that in this space, subtle "information" is being downloaded. Genes are being activated. Ancestral memories are being evoked. Neural pathways are being forged. Something is being shaped. It seems like there might be some really important stuff going on that we should probably think twice about messing with.<br />
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Watch the women in this video. They take a few deep breaths, slowly coming back to themselves a little. When they are ready, they look kind of sideways at their babies. With one hand first (likely their dominant hand), they touch and stroke one side of the baby (who is to say this type of touching is not part of some kind of important human activating system), and then with the other hand they stroke the other side of the baby. Within a minute or so, these women are not handed their babies to them, they CLAIM THEM, and when they have emerged from wherever it is they went, they emerge with their babies, stepping into their identities as new parents.<br />
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When I teach prenatal classes, I let parents know that likely, unless they say otherwise, their babies will be put immediately onto their abdomens or chests. Most of them will likely love it and grasp enthusiastically for their babies. And some will feel shocked. Why? Because they are being pulled prematurely from that important place. If birth givers are not told about this, they sometimes feel guilty, as if they are lacking in parental instinct. They are "supposed" to want their babies plopped onto their chests by an external source. I tell them they are simply demonstrating normal mammalian behaviour. It is perfectly fine for them to wait until they are ready to claim their babies on their own terms (if possible), having the baby supported at their thigh while the cord remains intact, or perhaps handed over to the partner for a few moments. Or...what if...what if...we did nothing at all but wait and have a little trust? But definitely not handed over to someone for weighing and examinations unless necessary.<br />
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Not all births unfold in such a way that this way of welcoming Baby is possible. I don't think it's something to worry about if it doesn't happen. Parents have enough pressure for "perfection" on them, and it is not my intention to add further duress. I am simply looking at a wider scope of possibility and wondering what could happen on a biological and cultural level if birth were left to unfold with less ownership from external sources when it comes to "delivery", "placing" the baby on the parent, or "initiating" skin to skin and seeing how beautifully that dyad usually works together to the beat of internal rhythms. It can totally be done within a highly clinical context if that is important to the parents. <br />
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A dream of mine is to see these few precious moments before Birth Giver claims Baby restored to human birth. I want to see it as understood, honoured, and protected as the important concept of skin to skin has been. I am excited to explore the impact this could potentially have upon humanity as a whole. So may it be.<br />
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Lesley<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059951273542374898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686997867572223504.post-21801801420391199582015-04-11T13:44:00.001-04:002015-04-11T22:40:01.114-04:007 Steps to Owning Your Hospital BirthYou're about to give birth in a hospital. Perhaps you're a bit nervous about how you will be treated, or about what kinds of things the health care providers are going to do with your body while you are in the throes of labour.<br />
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As a doula, I attend birth in every setting: from home births, to births in free standing centres run by midwives, to births in hospitals with family doctors or obstetricians. A beautiful birth experience can be had anywhere. In a hospital, however, there can be a seemingly endless sea of unfamiliar people tending to you. Many only know your name by looking at your chart. Fewer have time to get to know what you truly want or don't want for your birth. This is where your need to use your voice to stand up for your wishes (whenever possible) becomes important.<br />
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These are some tips to help you feel like you have some influence within a situation like childbirth, which can be so very unpredictable.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>1) Know Who Delivers</b></span><br />
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This is not about knowing the person who will deliver your baby when it is time. In many hospitals, you will have no control over this, and likely, this person will be a stranger. What it means is knowing who the power of birth giving belongs to.<br />
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A prevailing attitude among birth givers in our highly technocratic birth culture is: "Women have been having babies forever, so I'm sure it will be fine. I trust my doctor to get my baby out."<br />
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There is a dangerous discrepancy in this statement. There is the intuition to" trust my body", but then the responsibility left entirely in the doctor's hands to "get my baby out".<br />
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Though it is acceptable to say that doctors and midwives deliver babies, if we look more closely at the truth of that, if all is going well, all they really need to do is "catch" or "receive" your baby as you give birth. Most health care providers admit that in a normal birth, aside from a little vigilance, encouragement, and a few reasonably simple safety measures, it is you who does all the work.<br />
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After the blood, sweat, and tears of birthing a baby, the glory of delivery belongs to YOU! Nobody can have your baby but you. Step into and deliciously own YOUR power and agency in bringing forth life.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">2) Don't Leave it to Chance</span></b><br />
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The "whatever happens, happens" attitude towards childbirth does have its benefits in some ways. It is important to be flexible when it comes to giving birth. You can certainly have a goal. Relaxation, a trust in your birthing magnificence, and positivity lend beautifully to the crafting and realization of your birth vision. Sometimes, though, your little passenger within calls some of the shots regardless of your hopes. Finding the balance between your expectations vs the reality of your birth's unfolding will leave you ready for unpredictability.<br />
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Leaving it all up to your hospital care providers and luck, however, can set you up to feel quite discombobulated if you're not prepared for certain things. You don't want things to be a shock on the big day, like the reality of the sensations of labour, or the fact that anesthetists (if you want an epidural) aren't always available when you call them. You also don't want to miss opportunities to feel more comfortable, and should know that in many places you CAN eat if you're hungry and NOT lie on the bed if you're not happy there. Just because you're led to do something, doesn't mean you have to do it if you don't like it. Ultimately, if you don't know your options, you don't really have any.<br />
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It is so important as a pregnant person to take the time to explore how you would feel most powerful and satisfied giving birth. It doesn't really matter how, as long as you feel GOOD about it! Envision yourself giving birth. What might you like or not like? What makes you feel better when you are stressed out and in pain? What are your values about giving birth? Do you want to/will your health allow your birth to unfold as normally and naturally as possible, or do you feel like/know pain relief or a Cesarean birth would be an important option for you? So many things to think about!<br />
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How do you begin to look at these options?<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">3) Educate Yourself</span></b><br />
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Nothing beats good childbirth education which focuses on your empowerment. A prenatal class that spends ample time describing the sensations of labour and how you and your partner (if you have a partner attending your birth) can cope with the experience is an excellent idea. This is important even if you plan on having an epidural early on. Why? Because it is not feasible to expect you can co-opt all your sensations to be relieved by drugs as soon as you want that to happen. Not because you shouldn't want that if that is your comfort zone, but because in a busy hospital, things don't always go that way. Many birth givers have to wait much longer than they wanted for their pain relief, some having their babies come before the pain relief got there. Sometimes they receive a desired epidural, only to have it not work as well as they'd hoped. So having a few solid coping skills under your belt can ensure you are able to navigate the sensations of birth no matter how things happen. This can reduce the incidence of shock and birth trauma.<br />
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A good childbirth education series should not push any kind of agenda, but be open and inclusive to all your potential choices, informing you of the important things to expect, and how to speak up for yourself.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">4) Know Your Rights</span></b><br />
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Hospital birth givers have rights. Often, you can find these rights published. This is what we have here in Quebec:<br />
<a href="http://www.aspq.org/uploads/pdf/4f3ab375b53c3women-rights.pdf" target="_blank">Women's Rights in Pregnancy and Delivery in Quebec</a><br />
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Here are some examples:<br />
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a) You have the right to eat and drink as you please in labour.<br />
b) You have the right to be informed of the benefits and risks of all medications and procedures<br />
c) You have the right to informed consent and informed refusal.<br />
d) You have the right to labour and deliver in any position that suits you.<br />
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Research the rights in your area!<br />
In the US check out this book "The Rights of Patients" by George J Annas (thanks Jessica Turon!)<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">5) Use your BRAIN</span></b><br />
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When making decisions about your care, keep the following in your mind so you can make the best decisions for yourself. It is important BEFORE you give birth to have an idea of what you want or don't want so self-advocacy is easier, but if you are presented with something you're not sure about, use the following questions as a guide:<br />
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<b>B</b>-What are the <b>BENEFITS</b> of the medication/procedure being offered?<br />
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<b>R</b>-What are the <b>RISKS</b>?<br />
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<b>A</b>-Are there any <b>ALTERNATIVES</b> to what you're being offered medically? (example: having a snack and going for a walk up and down stairs to try to move labour along instead of labour augmenting medication...or maybe, you'd just like to have a nap and not have your birth clock monitored)<br />
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<b>I</b>-What does your <b>INTUITION </b>say? Your motherwit, meaning your innate, practical intelligence and common sense can be more active than you imagine in labour. What does your gut tell you?<br />
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<b>N</b>-<b>NOW</b>? Health care providers are usually open to giving your body a chance to do its thing normally, so don't be afraid to ask. Also, the word <b>NO</b> is allowed to be said! Even if you choose something the caregivers aren't fond of, if this is your conviction, you have the right to say NO. "I do not consent." is a phrase that holds a lot of power. <br />
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Parents often worry that a doctor or nurse will walk out of the room and abandon them if they make unpopular choices, but this is not the case. They can be challenged at times by your wanting to labour or push in different positions or refuse an episiotomy, or whatever it is you feel strongly about, it is true. But hey are not allowed to abandon you and leave you without care. Practicing in pregnancy how to deal calmly and effectively with other people's reactions to your choices can give you confidence. Most often, you will find your caregivers on your side and will be very happy for you if you have the birth experience you were hoping for.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">6) Get Your Partner on Board</span></b><br />
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As many birth givers realize when the heat of labour is on, all of the above gets very difficult to implement because the brain goes from think-y to primal. Even just talking, never mind intellectual discernment, becomes challenging as the waves of contractions sweep you off into the hormone- hazed mind trip that is Active Labour.<br />
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Ensuring your support person knows your wishes allows them to do some advocating for you. Nobody can ultimately speak for you in labour, however, they can relay the wishes you communicated to them prenatally, "Pat was wanting a hep lock for the Step B treatment instead of the whole IV setup," for example, while you're busy having a minute power snooze between massive contractions. Your partner is generally your strongest ally. Especially if they are one of the child's parents, they have a say! <br />
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Many people create Birth Plans or Birth Preference Sheets to articulate their desires in labour. This can be helpful IF you have the type of hospital in which caregivers have the time to read them. Many don't. Personally, I have never seen a birth plan make the difference between a good birth and not. Birth Preference Sheets or Birth Plans are more effective as prenatal tools to help you explore your options and clarify your values than something to actually bring to the hospital. They don't "protect" you from anything. Only using your voice gives you the best shot at that.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">7) Hire a Doula</span></b><br />
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<b>"If a doula were a drug, it would be unethical not to use it." -John H. Kennell, MD</b><br />
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While a doula cannot and will not assume to speak FOR you in labour, they will respect and uphold your sovereignty as a birth giver. They have spent a fair bit of time with you prenatally, getting to know your hopes and fears, gathering ideas of how to tailor their support techniques to suit your own individual style. They also know what your partner needs to feel safe and supported as they witness you traversing rough and unknown terrain.<br />
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If your doula knows, for example, that you expressed a strong desire prenatally to push your baby out in the hands and knees position, and when the time comes you find the nurse turning you onto your back and putting your feet on the pedals, your doula will probably gently ask you, "Are you comfortable like this? Is this how you want to deliver?"<br />
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Your doula will not jump in and say to the nurse, "Hey, don't put my client on her back!" Why? This will create tension in the room in a big way, which is the last thing you need. Your doula will not say, "Let's get on your hands and knees. That's how you wanted to be, so let's get you off your back now." Why? Because you might have changed your mind. There is a possibility you are actually super comfy the way the nurse is positioning you and find you want to be this way after all. Your doula will not assume.<br />
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A question like, "Are you comfortable this way?" gently nudges your hormone besotted mind to remember what you valued prenatally. It is okay if that value has changed, but the doula wants to make sure things are going how you want. The question allows you to say, "Yes, I'm good like this." or "No, Nurse, this is not what I want." This is the subtle, elegant way doulas serve as supporters of your self-advocacy, leading you to use your own voice whenever possible.<br />
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While experienced doulas are experts in informing, comforting, and supporting a birth giver and their partner/s, they don't generally claim to offer expert advice. Why? Because their job is to shine a light on your personal power and have you claim your <b>own </b>expertise as the one who makes, carries, births, and parents this baby/ies. Your doula supports your work to step into this power that is already yours, and celebrates you as you own your birth.<br />
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Have a strong and wonderful birth!<br />
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Lesley Everest<br />
MotherWit Doula Care<br />
<a href="http://www.motherwit.ca/">www.MotherWit.ca</a><br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06059951273542374898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686997867572223504.post-60048174561979059342015-03-24T19:12:00.000-04:002015-03-24T19:39:03.474-04:00What it Means to be a Doula. Happy World Doula Week!I want to take this opportunity to wish all the doulas on the planet a Happy World Doula Week!<br />
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When I began this work over 21 years ago, I was a pioneer in my town, forging connections and laying foundations. When I look at the thriving doula communities we have now, knowing there are countless families who have experienced more satisfying births because of the work we doulas do, I am so very proud of us all.<br />
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When I grab the Metro home in the early morning after an all night birth, I still look at all the people going to their nine to five jobs and just want to hug them so they can get get a hit of all the yummy, oxytocin laden vibes I've just been exposed to. How healing to be allowed to bathe in that energy for a while! I want to thank the Powers That Be for this life....for this path...for this opportunity to serve in such a humble, intimate, yet glorious way!<br />
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As I continue to grow and settle into this work, I continue to hold the space for surprise. This keeps me humble. Whenever I think I might just have figured this birth thing out, Birth changes to show me it prefers to be an unsolved Mystery. Every single birth reveals to me a new layer, a subtle nuance of learning. Nothing has taught me more about life than attending Birth (and Death).<br />
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While being a doula is an ancient role, it is a reasonably new profession. Like many newer professions, kinks are still being worked out. Do we strive for national standardization? How do we find ways to make our crazy on-call work sustainable for ourselves and our families physically, emotionally, and financially? How do we finally demonstrate to wary medical communities that we are not to be feared and mistrusted, but valued... as we value them? What does certification really mean? How do we honour each approach to this work while ensuring we provide the best service to our clients? There is much to explore. And I am excited about that!<br />
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Having the honour and privilege of training doulas around the country, I get to witness them grow into the work and forge their own communities in their unique, beautiful ways. My heart soars, because I know the future of doula work is in good hands. I know we will figure it out. I know our profession will grow, be more accessible to all families who want our services, and more sustainable to those who want to make this work a career. I know doula work will thrive. <br />
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How do I know? Because so very many magnificent doula hearts continue to love fiercely, and continue to have hope for a world in which new life can unfurl (whenever possible) in the sweetness of awe....in honour of birth's sacredness...in a way that quivers with the power of miracle. When beautiful hearts come together with love as the intention, mountains are moved. As Hazrat Inayant Khan said, "With love, even the rocks will open." And so it is.<br />
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I want to shout out to all my doula colleagues, doula sisters, doula students, and the primary health care providers who care for our clients. Thank you. With hands clasped to my heart and head bowed, I thank you. <br />
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Most of all, I want to thank the families who have invited me to bear witness to and support your births. I carry you all in my hearts, and am indelibly changed and honed by your precious work. I have grown because of you. I have found healing because of you. I know who I am because of you.<br />
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